


Pavement Scrapes

by Comeback_Kid



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Multi, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-06
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-04-08 01:54:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 22,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4286184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Comeback_Kid/pseuds/Comeback_Kid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dean goes searching for Cas after he gives up his grace to stay with the Winchesters he stumbles across the reality that Cas might never be the same they remember. Cas is caught by a group of demons who destroy all sense of safety he's ever felt around humanity and earth in general. Dean finds him and brings him back to Sam and Charlie at the bunker. Sam and Charlie form an unlikely alliance with Crowley to bring Cas' abusers to justice-- or just kill them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Flannel Jackets

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic. I don't know why I went so violent with this, but I did. I really like the aspect of Charlie being there for Cas in the aftermath and recovery as well as Sam and Dean struggling to come to terms with what happened to him and how to help.I hope I don't fail at this, if I did the tags or warnings wrong let me know if I should change them and I totally will! And feel free to leave criticism if you'd like! 
> 
> I'll probably update this every few days, or else every Monday evening.

Cas followed the light from the streetlamps. Being human was so different, almost freeing but somehow still constricting, like a favorite shirt shrunk in the too high heat of a dryer. He enjoyed the nighttime though, the way the air felt muggy on his brow, made his arms tingle and filled his lungs with the scent of rainwater and leaves. It was calm, safe, it was the feeling of belonging and he couldn’t help the way he let himself become distracted in his thoughts.

A dull orange glow illuminated his elongated shadow with every step. Listening to the sound of bugs echoing through the empty streets and the distinct sound of extra footsteps lingering a short distance behind him. Part of him wondered what their story was, where they’d been, where they were going. It was just– it was incredible that every human had their own story. He loved it. He loved humanity even in his own struggle to be human.

It all happened so fast. He never even felt the threat.

One second he was walking home and the next he was on the ground being dragged through the dark. Pressing his palms against the pavement and searching for something to grab onto to keep them from pulling him further.

And for a second words escaped him. Like being a child - seeing something scary and having the air zapped from his lungs.

It didn’t last long though. The struggle to keep himself in the open anyway. He kicked one of them. Felt their fist against his jaw and then pavement against the back of his head.

“Stop!” It seemed to fall on deaf ears. “Stop!” It didn’t matter. With no ability to fight back he just continued to fight and struggle against the people. “Get off- let go– stop! Stop!” One of them knelt on the ground behind him, tugged him to a sitting position and wrapped their arm around his head and covering his mouth, silencing his shouting. No way were they human- they couldn’t be not with how strong they were. Or maybe the rush of what was happening just made him feel weaker.

He heard laughter and sickeningly gentle _shh’s_ as one of them started to undo his pants, starting to wriggle around, trying to keep the pants from being tugged off. His whole body going rigid when he felt a hand in his shorts. Finger wrapping around him, still shouting into the arm around his mouth, starting to struggle again, trying to get his hands free to stop the person in front of him.

Feeling his body begin to react. Tears brimming along his eyelashes, the shouting turning to angry bursts mixed with the tears.

He heard the one in front tell the guy keeping him quiet to lean him down. Feeling the pavement against his shoulders again, trying to scream for help when his arms were pulled above his head and the shirt tugged off too. More whispers of _'shh this is good shh._ His skin crawling. Practically on fire with every touch. Lips trailing their way up along his stomach to below his chest. Hot, clammy breath that smelled like fire and smoke. The hand was still clamped over his mouth for another minute, but was promptly replaced with a gun to the side of his head. Threatening to blow his brains out the second he made a noise.

_"Shut the fuck up._

It was a slow, agonizing blur what happened next. It felt like it anyway. The pain different from other pain, feeling his legs pulled up on either side of the other mans waist. The noises the guy made making Cas want to throw up, and then being forced onto his stomach. The pavement cold and rough against his bare skin as his hands were pulled behind his back, pinned against the small of his back and held there. Another rush of pain that he couldn’t escape like it would never end it just kept happening over and over. Too many bodies. Too much pain. Too much happening all at once. Focusing on the ratty green t-shirt he’d been in, thrown idly by the dark navy cargo pants and orange underwear. The green shirt with the blue collar– focus. Focus. That’s all he could tell himself. Focus on that shirt. The way the blue of the collar had been worn down and faded from too many washes. The way the fabric had been soft and warm like too many years with more than enough attention. It was a good shirt. Green and blue and worn down.

And then just black. No sound. No light. No, anything. Just emptiness. Somewhere in there he knew he was sitting up against a brick wall, hidden behind boxes, still breathing. Still breathing. Still breathing.

He must’ve fallen asleep because he came to with someone’s hand on his forehead and another on his shoulder. Jolting awake, nearly yanking their hand off before they were trying to calm him down. “Whoa whoa whoa. Whoa man, whoa calm down. It’s ok, it’s alright, Cas, it’s ok I got you man.”

His mind registered it was Dean and almost like clockwork he just sorta sat forward and collapsed into his arms. Feeling Dean catch him. Just like he said. Just like he promised. His eyelids felt like cement. His arms felt like stone his legs felt like– jello. He only figured that out when Dean tried to stand him up and his knees just buckled and he about dropped to the ground again. “I got you man. It’s ok. I got you, I got you, you’re ok. I-” Dean just sorta trailed off, not even thinking twice about it, he pulled the flannel shirt he was wearing off. Keeping Cas balanced as he wrapped it around his waist before practically sweeping Cas right up in his arms. “I’ll kill them.” Was the last thing Cas heard before his body gave back into the dark. His head flopping backwards and his arms just hanging as Dean carried him to the impala.

“Dude get this– Dean?” Sam heard the bunker door slam and the rushed footsteps before catching sight of Cas in his arms. The attire setting him off. “Dean what the hell?”

“He– I. He was in an alley. I was following a lead. Found a bunch of demons, killed three. Two smoked out and the one I caught spilled like a canary. I– fuck Sam. I- get Charlie, I need Charlie, I need her help. Get her!” he shouted impatiently.

“Just slow down man- what happened, what happened?”

“Jesus Sam. They– look at him”

“Dean. What happened?”

Deans bottom lip shook a little. The anger in his eyes giving way to tears that didn’t fall and Sam didn’t have to ask after that. “Look at what they did to him!” Dean threw a book at the wall. The noise must’ve shook Cas from whatever sleep he’d gone into. Jerking up from the table wth a scream- his hands swinging up, one over his face and the other swinging out to knock Dean away at first before shifting down to guard himself.

“Sam- help. Help!” Dean called, watching Sam rush over to grab Cas’ arms and hold him down.

“Stop, stop, stop! Please– PLEASE! Please! Stop! Stop! Get off! Stop- stop- please!” Cas was like a broken record, his words cracking and falling apart with the tears as he tried to fight back against the brothers. Sam pinned his arms to his sides, watching how he arched his chest up and fought against Dean holding his legs down. His words turning to frantic screaming and crying until suddenly Charlie was there. Leaned down over him, pressing her forehead against the bridge of Cas’ nose so he could look her in the eyes, her short red hair covering the sides of his face.

“Cas. Hey Cas- hey, it’s ok, it’s just me an Sam, and Dean. I swear. You’re alright, you’re safe, I swear. It’s ok. Cas-” she was making headway, Cas slowly quieting down from the shrill tone he’d had. “Hey, hey were gonna get you cleaned up and then you can sleep ok?” She’d never seen Cas cry before. She'd never really seen much of Cas, but she was back and she knew he'd been a part of that. What stuck with her the most was how she’d never seen the way the tears made the blue in his eyes so bright and wild. She’d never seen a look of complete brokenness before- not even on Sam or Dean.

God he just wanted to help. He just wanted to take back what had happened to Cas.

“What are we gonna do?” Sam paced the ground slowly.

“I don’t know Sam, do I look like I know!? Hold him down I don’t-”

“No Dean. I’m not talking about now, I’m…. I’m talking about all of this. I’m talking about –” Sam stopped the second Dean held his hand up. A silent signal that Cas was waking up again.

Still clothed in the flannel shirt covered in the distinct scent of whiskey and gun oil mixed with the smell of the impala. Comforting and unnerving at the same time. He didn’t open his eyes, but he knew both Winchesters were watching him, he could feel their emotions hanging in the room.

“Cas?” Deans voice. “You awake man?” He could hear Dean breathe out and start to move towards him when he shifted one of his fingers against the table top. “I– we gotta clean you off man. Sam’s gonna help you- he’s gonna pick you up man. And I’ll be there the whole time you have my word.” Dean felt his eyes sting with tears when he saw Cas shake his head no. “Cas we have to man. I gotta clean you up to see where you’re hurt man,” he paused, glanced at Sam and just gave him a look for help. But Sam seemed just as lost.

“Hey, Cas, maybe you can help us. Where do you hurt most?” Charlie asked, looking up from fidgeting with her fingers.

“Everywhere.” Cas’ voice was scratchy and quiet. Not even above a whisper, and Sam let out the breath he was holding after that, walking over and carefully pulling Cas up off the table into his arms.

The tub water was warm, but not hot. Dean added a ton of bubbles just so Cas could still feel slightly hidden in the water. He noted the way Cas had fought against getting in, like even the touch of water against his skin hurt. Noted the way he kept his eyes shut and his face turned away from the three of them.


	2. Bruises Only Run Skin Deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Dean goes searching for Cas after he gives up his grace to stay with the Winchesters he stumbles across the reality that Cas might never be the same they remember. Cas is caught by a group of demons who destroy all sense of safety he's ever felt around humanity and earth in general. Dean finds him and brings him back to Sam and Charlie at the bunker. Sam and Charlie form an unlikely alliance with Crowley to bring Cas' abusers to justice-- or just kill them. The aftermath starts... now I guess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was a little later than Monday evenin', fam! I had a little trouble on the home front. Also, this chapter ends a bit abruptly, my apologies, but I found it flows a little better into the third chapter this way. 
> 
> "This is my first fic. I don't know why I went so violent with this, but I did. I really like the aspect of Charlie being there for Cas in the aftermath and recovery as well as Sam and Dean struggling to come to terms with what happened to him and how to help.I hope I don't fail at this, if I did the tags or warnings wrong let me know if I should change them and I totally will! And feel free to leave criticism if you'd like!"
> 
> I'll probably update this every few days, or else every Monday evening.

The steam from the bathwater made the mirror fog over. Sam sat up against the door and Dean sat up on the counter just watching him. And Charlie sat on the edge of the tub with her legs in the water next to Cas, grateful he didn’t seem too nervous around her. Maybe if the atmosphere in there wasn’t so heavy she might’ve smiled about it. 

“Want some help?” she asked quietly, not moving unless he moved first. “I can help wash the mud out of your hair if you want…” she offered again, watching him shake his head no slowly. “It’ll help–”

“No it won’t.” Cas whispered, the raw scratchiness filling the empty quiet of the bathroom. Dean flicked on the fan to add some extra white noise to the place. 

“Cas, we can go, let you have some privacy.”

“I don’t want you to leave!” even his shout was quiet, the tension in his shoulders making Dean roll his own in discomfort. Moving off the counter and kneeling down beside the tub. 

“I won’t, we won’t leave then, we’ll stay here till you’re ready.” he dipped his fingers in the water, watching the bubbles cling to his dry skin; noticing how Cas had moved up against the other side of the tub, closer to the wall when Dean had put his hands in the water. For some reason he couldn’t help the way he quietLy scanned Cas’ body after that. 

His breath coming out a little shorter, like the anger from earlier was building up again at the way Cas’ back was all scratched up and red. The tint of black and purple starting to form around the edges of his shoulder blades, the hint of blue along his spine and the pale imprints of hands and teethmarks along the untouched– as well as… touched places. His head spun from anger a little bit, not even wanting to think what Cas probably looked like underneath all the soapy water. Clearing his throat he got up and started heading for the hall, nudging Sam with his leg out of the doorway. “I’m gonna grab us some food, anyone want anything special?” Charlie gave him a sympathetic smile and Sam just shook his head no.

“You sure you don’t want any help, Cas?” Charlie looked back at Cas when Dean’s footsteps disappeared, catching her breath a little when Cas held the bottle of soap over towards her. She sighed out the breath. A small smile at the edges of her lips. She poured a little bit of the soap into her hand and started rubbing her palms together before setting them gently against his hair; watching his shoulders flinch up to rest beneath his ears, hearing the soft groan fall from his lips and the way the air whistled across the cut along the bottom of his lip in discomfort at the touch. The bubbles turned dark black from the grime still soaked in his hair from the alley and just out of habit Charlie poured more soap on his head to help. “You know I hear Dean used to have to wash your hair Sammy.” she glanced over at Sam, trying to lighten the mood just a sliver. Looking over at the forced out huff he’d call a laugh and the roll of his eyes that followed. 

“Yeah yeah, laugh it up Charlie.” he piped up, shifting on the floor and leaning up, folding his arms over his knees. “Cas?” he looked to the side where he could see Cas’ shoulders. Cas raised an eyebrow, turning his head slightly to look over at Sam with a barely visible nod of his head. “I missed you man.” 

Sam wasn’t going to say anything, but he swore for a second he saw a familiar light in Cas’ eyes and a hesitant upturn of his lips before Cas went back to looking into the dirty water that was going to have to be drained and refilled before long.

Which ended up being sooner than later–

Charlie stood outside the bathroom, leaned against the wall with her arms crossed loose over her chest while Sam stayed in the bathroom with Cas, making sure he was alright while the tub filled with a little warmer water again. 

Sam didn’t mention the marks he saw, he didn’t stare or draw attention to them– at least he tried not to, not until Cas spoke up. “Do you believe in karma?”

At first Sam started to think it over, but he stopped the second it clicked why Cas was asking. “Wh- Cas, no. Cas what happened to you wasn’t karma. That was not karma Cas, I swear on my life, that was not your fault.” Sam looked at him a little harder than normal and Cas just looked back at the bathwater after that. Silence taking over again. 

“Sam.”

“Yeah, Cas?”

“I’m gonna throw up.” Sam practically jumped up and pulled Cas backwards from the edge of the bath towards the toilet- except Cas ended up throwing up all over the floor and himself instead of in the water. The contents clear like water and sticky like spit. “…I threw up.”

“Yeah, Cas. Yeah I know- don’t worry about it man, we’ll clean it up.” He pulled Cas up to stand, nudging him back to where the bath was almost full again. “Want more soap or just the water?” he looked at Cas and held the bottle of soap over the water. 

“Am I a bad person, Sam?”

“Cas.” Sam turned to look at him, setting his hands as light as he could on Cas’ shoulders. “I need you to hear me loud and clear when I say this man. What happened to you tonight was not your fault. I promise. It wasn’t your fault, you are not a bad person, something really fucked up happened to you, but you are not a bad person because of it, and you weren’t a bad person to make it happen. You are not a bad person.”

“Why do I feel like one?” he asked, 

It was all Sam knew to do in the moment, wrapping his arms gently around Cas and pulling him close for a hug.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dean was still playing over how Cas had practically fallen asleep at the table with his head squished against the PB&J when Charlie set the bowl down in front of him.

“What’s this?” he cocked an eyebrow up at her, both eyes already skeptical.

She gave a short sigh, her shoulders dropping before setting her hands on her hips. “Don’t play games with me, Winchester. If anyone can get those demons here it’s you. All you need is a little extra help from Crowley.”

“Listen, kiddo. Bringin that jackass here isn’t gonna fix what happened to Cas. Look I’m grateful you wanna help, but bringin' in Crowley… Cas’ll freak.” He set a heavy hand on her shoulder and gave it a tired shake as he headed towards the room he’d set up for Cas. Finding him tucked beneath way too many sheets and blankets to be comfortable let alone breathe. He had a pretty good idea that Cas wasn’t actually asleep from how quick he was breathing, but he sat down beside him anyway, hesitant to reach for Cas’ hand. 

Maybe just to ground himself in the reminder that Cas was alive- and safe, maybe he just wanted to feel the way the pavement and the struggle had worn down against Cas’ knuckles… He wasn’t really sure. So instead he clasped them together like he was getting ready to pray and he just sat there for what seemed like the longest three minutes he'd ever experience. "Cas you awake, man?"


	3. I Followed A Honeybee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean struggles to come to terms with both his feelings for Cas and his feelings about what happened to Cas, meanwhile Sam is gathering as much information as he can on the attack while Charlie uses literature to connect with Cas in an attempt to help him process the guilt and shame he's beginning to manifest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might post two chapters today and they might both feel a little oof, my apologies in advance friends. My nephew;s in the hospital so I've been trying to write to pass the time and calm my thoughts. So if anyone can send him some good vibes I'd really appreciate it. Little Bugs been having some big troubles and I sure miss seein' his smile.

“Cas?” Dean asked again, reaching a hand out towards Cas’ shoulder. “Hey, Cas–

He pulled his hand back quickly when Cas sat up with a start. What sounded like the tail end of a scream on the whisper of "what?” coming from Cas. One pillow falling off the opposite bedside and two of the blankets sliding off to cover Dean’s feet.

“Whoa, hey, just me man. I just wanted to make sure the bed was ok…” Dean answered. The words a little rushed, not wanting to freak Cas out or.. Have Cas freak on him. He watched Cas breathe out and let his shoulders hunch forward with his hands resting between his legs. “Cas look man–”

“Please don’t…” Cas interrupted, not looking away from the blanket still over him. “I don’t want to talk. I don’t… Want you to talk I just–”

“Were gonna talk about this man–”

“Dean.” His tone was exasperated and Dean could see a flicker of light in his eyes already. “Please.”

“Cas what am I supposed to do?”

“Nothing.” He was getting quieter, a little tired but still awake enough to have the discussion so far. “There’s nothing you can do Dean.”

“Fine forget it.” It was the wrong time to get pissed but Dean couldn’t help it getting up from the chair, slamming it back down in front of the desk with enough time to turn back and catch the way Cas’ body jumped and stiffened at the noise.

He didn’t feel that bad when he did it– not right away. But it caught up quickly. The pang of regret, a sweep through of guilt and suddenly he was kneeling across the blankets and hugging Cas from the side. He could feel the subtle shake from Cas, could tell he was trying to breathe through panic and anxiety and tears. And he just kept hugging him, shifting off his knees after a minute, sitting with his legs slightly awkwardly around Cas. He could hear him crying by then and maybe it was just instinct from when he and Sam were kids, but he could feel Cas slow down everything when he started to rub his hand along the rough scratched up skin of one of Cas' shoulders. He was careful with the motion, knew it wasn’t going to fix anything but if it gave Cas a little comfort then he’d keep at it.

Sam’s phone lit up about a half hour later, watching Charlie glance at it before he checked it himself.

**::can I get some help?::**

Sam’s brows furrowed as he read the text, getting up and reassuring Charlie everything was good and Dean just needed help.

What Sam didn’t expect to find was Dean trying to avoid falling backwards off the bed with Cas’ full weight leaned against him and clearly out cold. And somehow it just made him smile at first, clearing his throat quietly as Dean looked back towards the door. Already rolling his eyes at the look Sam had on his face.

“You gonna stand there and oogle us or help me get him off of me?” Dean asked quietly, slight tension in his voice.

“I’m considering it.” Sam joked back quietly. “I could always get Charlie to help.” He raised his eyebrow at Dean and started towards the bed. Going around the other side and carefully grabbing onto Cas’ shoulder to keep him steady while Dean shuffled out of the bed. “…rough night?”

“Try rough life. I don’t know what to do, Sam. I don’t know how to help him, what am I supposed to say? Hey Cas sorry a bunch of demons r–”

“--Just be there for him right now. Charlie and I don’t know what to do either. He keeps asking me if I think he’s a bad person or if I believe in karma, if all humans go through what he did. He thinks this is his fault he thinks he deserved this and you and I both know that’s fucked up. But it’s gonna take some time Dean. Maybe a lot of time, alright? I don’t know how much time, but it might be a really long time before he’s… ok to _just be_ again.”

When morning came Dean nearly had a heart attack of his own. “Sam?!” He turned down the next hall and down the steps. “Sam!”

Charlie was up in the kitchen with her tea and Sam finally stumbled out of his room. Eyes half shut still. “Dude what?” His tone was snippy and tired still.

“Cas is gone!”

“What?!”

Charlie peeked her head around the doorway after that. “He’s out front. He was up at 4. Said he couldn’t sleep so I took him outside to my garden. He’s been there since then.” She said it so matter of fact that Dean almost didn’t panic at the thought of Cas being outside alone again. He raced up the steps and was out the door in seconds. Spotting Cas quickly.

Hunched over in the dirt with his fingers intertwined in the flowering vines of a few morning glories. Out of habit Dean’s eyes wandered along Cas’ body. He looked horrible in the sunlight. Dean could see just how bad the handprints and bruises disappearing under the hem of his underwear were. It was like someone just– it was… Disturbing how many sets of handprints he could see. The different places they’d bruised. The way the sunlight made the blue and yellow into an almost gross green color along his spine and how the red and black mixed with the purples and pinks along the cuts on his shoulders and arms. Guilt eating him alive in the moment and then Cas was turning around. Knees hitting the dirt and just staring at Dean who was obviously caught up in the way his body looked. Not that the front was any better.

Mouth marks lined along his chest and stomach, more bruise and cuts that clearly needed to be cleaned again. It was overwhelming to see and Dean couldn’t even imagine what it was like for Cas. His body still marked with the evidence of it all.

“You missed the honeybees.” Cas spoke. His voice still raw and crackly and a few notches higher than normal. “There was six. They were all working together to make sure the flowers were cared for this morning.” Dean hadn’t moved yet and Cas picked up on that. Standing up slowly, knowing Dean was stuck staring. He walked slowly, his movements giving away each steps pain. Stopping directly in front of Dean and grabbing his hand gently before setting it on a place where the pavement had worn away the skin on his hip. Flinching back even though he was the one putting Dean’s hand there. His eyes were squinted in discomfort as he spoke. “There was a hook. Embedded in your hip when I first found you in hell. Your soul was the brightest color I’ve ever seen but it was also covered in a lot of darkness. A lot of darkness that wasn’t and still isn’t yours to carry. And that’s why it’s… Beautiful. You’ve been through a lot of pain and you still choose to love instead of letting bitterness make you jaded.”

Dean acted on impulse, his hand gentle as he grabbed Cas by the jaw, tilting his head to the side a little to observe the bruise settling in over his brow. Using his other hand to gently draw his thumb over it. “You should be asleep man, these bruises need some good R'n'R to start healin'.” He let go of Cas after that, almost missing the way Cas was swaying in a breeze that wasn’t even there. Catching him by his arm when he teetered a little too far back. “Cas?”

“Yes Dean?” Cas’ eyes were half closed and his tone was just– weird.

“You ok man?”

“…” He thought he said he was ok. Or maybe he said he was fine– or maybe he asked where the sky was? He wasn’t sure because when he opened his eyes he was back inside and Charlie was sitting in the chair Dean had sat in just a few hours prior. Although she was buried in a gaming magazine and the second he even started to think about moving she was eyeballing him.

“Hey Cas.” She gave him a smile and flipped through a few pages of her magazine. “Dean said you might be thirsty when you woke up. I brought you some water.” She wiggled her elbow at the cup beside the bed. “ _And_ I got you a fan favorite gatorade; courtesy of Captain America. Glacier freeze.” She laughed at her own joke before setting the bottle back down on the table by the water. Cas shut his eyes and rolled his head the other way again. Listening to her laugh quietly at her joke still.

“Can I ask you something?” His request brought her back from her laughter, leaning forward on her knees.

“Sure, you brought me back from wherever I was. You can ask whatever you want.” She answered. Cas liked her voice. How it still held that cheeriness even with everything she’d gone through. He seemed stuck when he tried to ask though and she wasn’t sure but she had a pretty good idea what he wanted to ask.

“You know, I read once that having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.”

“You don’t think I’m weak?” He asked her, still facing the other way. His words watered down and overwhelmed.

“I’ve met a lot of weak people Cas. I know I haven’t lived even a sliver of the existence you have, but I know a weak person when I see one and you aren’t one.” She sat forward and rested a hand on his shoulder, trying to nudge him to look at her. Smiling when he did. A soft smile that held years of empathy in her eyes. “You remind me of Edmund Pevensie sometimes, so, I guess for just this second I get to be Aslan. _You doubt your value. Don’t run from who you are._ ”


	4. Real Simple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Patrick Stump once sang: "Sometimes before it gets better the darkness gets bigger, the person that you'd take a bullet for is behind the trigger."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd just like to thank y'all for the kudos and the feedback on my story, I totally totally appreciate it so much! I really love writing and to see that you guys enjoy it just means the world to me, it really does. Thank you so much for being so patient each week and reading the updates when they post. You guys are the bees knees. 
> 
> My schedule is changing a bit so my updates might be early Monday evening rather than in the late evenings!

_“I’ve met a lot of weak people Cas. I know I haven’t lived even a sliver of the existence you have, but I know a weak person when I see one and you aren’t one.” She sat forward and rested a hand on his shoulder, trying to nudge him to look at her. Smiling when he did. A soft smile that held years of empathy in her eyes. “You remind me of Edmund Pevensie sometimes, so, I guess for just this second I get to be Aslan. You doubt your value. Don’t run from who you are.”_

“But they’re just fictional characters–”

“And in someone else’s universe so are you.” She seemed like she’d been saving that rebuttal for a long time. The corners of her lips turning up. “The point is, Cas, you doubt yourself. You doubt that what happened to you was wrong– and it _was,_ Cas. What happened to you shouldn’t have happened.”

“But I-”

“No, Cas. No. Don’t give those fuckheads an excuse for hurting you. Don’t let the pain they put you through pass by as acceptable just because... maybe a long time ago you did some wrong things. Don’t diminish yourself just because they hurt you. Don’t let them win, Cas. The amount of stories I’ve heard about you– none of those do justice to what I saw when you brought me back to life. You’ve done too much good to believe you deserved something this horrible.” she got up from her chair. "I care about you, Sam cares about you, and Dean cares about you. You didn't do anything wrong, you didn't deserve this."

"Charlie, wait." Cas ended up calling for her when she left the room, watching her stick her head back into the doorway. "I care- I mean you, I... thank you." he stumbled over what he wanted to say, looking at the bed sheet soon after, hearing her footsteps as she came back in and took a seat on the side of his bed, grabbing his hand and holding on through the tension that made his hands freeze up. 

"You don't have to thank me, Cas. Friends are here for each other, and you and I are best friends remember?" she nudged his arm with her elbow, seeing an attempt at a smile come over his lips. "Dean says you like spaghetti, you think you can handle my awesome spaghetti powers?" she asked, fully aware she was being cheesy by then. She gave his hand a soft squeeze when he nodded, getting up again and heading out to get back to the research her and Sam had been doing.  
_____________________________

"I was thinking, if we can find a way to summon Crowley without Dean knowing we could--"

"Charlie we can't. What's that gonna help?"

"Duh, Sam." Charlie leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms, staring him down. "Crowley's the king. He's gonna know what demons are missing and which ones Dean killed. He makes that shit his business. You know it, I know it, and he knows it. Come on, Crowley owes us and you know it. We summon him, trick him at his own game and find out why he did it."

"Hold on, you think Crowley's behind this all?"

"Why wouldn't he be? Cas took purgatory from him, he took the angel tablet from him... he took Dean."

"Charlie."

"Oh what, like you don't see it too?" she widened her eyes and tilted her head, pressing her lips together and shutting the book. Sam cocked his head to the side, trying to force the face he still had to stay, but eventually his lips parted and a faint, but mostly troubled smile formed. 

"They can't be here when Crowley is. It won't turn out well for anyone, that includes you." Sam gave in just like that.  
_____________________________________________

They waited for what felt like forever. Charlie already knew Cas probably wouldn't really eat the spaghetti and Sam knew Dean would be practically itching to get out of the bunker by then. So together they formed a plan to get both Dean and Cas to leave for at least an hour.

"Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?" Dean asked, walking through the library to see Sam pulling his coat on and the keys to the impala in hand. 

"Uh, beer run, want anything?"

"Gimme those." he swiped the keys from Sam almost too easily. "If anyone's goin' anywhere it's me. Whad'ya need?"

Sam pulled a slip of paper out of his pocket, a random list scribbled down, watching Dean roll his eyes at him. 

"Are you kidding me, what the hell do you need more cereal for? I just bought like 3 boxes." he watched the familiar shrug Sam gave him. "Jesus, Sam. Watch Cas, text me if anything changes."

"What? Why not just take him with you, he might like that--"

"Why?"

"I don't know Dean, because he's your friend and he's been in that room all day, sometimes it's nice to get some fresh air."

"Did you forget this mornings fresh air where he went Bumblebee McGee and limp noodle on me?"

"Fine leave him here then." Sam stated, the tone earning a glare from Dean.

A few minutes after the conversation fizzled out Dean cracked the door to Cas' room, slipping in and leaning against the doorframe, arms at his sides and keys in his hand. He blew out a slow breath. "You feelin' better?" he watched Cas look over almost too slowly to be comfortable. Clearing his throat and leaning forward, patting his hands on his knees and leaning back up. "I'm makin' a store run, wanna come with?"

"Um--"

"No pressure, you can stay, sleep, you know- do what you want."

"--I want to go with."

"Awesome. Well, yeah, ok, uh just, I'll get you some clothes."

To all of them it really wasn’t that late. Just a little past eleven at night and the store was open 24 hours. Walking through the aisles was nice though. Dean pushed the cart slow, keeping mind of how slow Cas was, not sure if Cas was getting annoyed at how many times he kept asking if he was alright or not, but he quickly lost that train of thought. "Oh no way!" Dean exclaimed looking at the list and catching Cas staring at him in confusion. "Check it out." he handed Cas the list, watching for his reaction, which was exactly what he expected. Nothing but a shrug and another confused look. "Oreos, man!"

"I don't understand." Cas blew out a sigh of his own as Dean smiled anyway. 

"Cas. I'm about to enlighten your whole world man." he grabbed the blue package off the shelf and opened it, stopping when Cas' hands shot out to try and stop him, claiming they couldn't steal. "It's not stealing man, we're gonna pay for them. Oreos are- they're just- just try em alright." he shoved one into Cas' hand and grabbed two for himself. "The middles are the best part." he declared, twisting his cookies apart and eating the white middles. Cas on the other hand kept looking around before Dean snagged one of the cookies from him, getting a glare right after.

"Hey!" it was almost a whine the way Cas said it, his glare making Dean laugh. 

"is for horses. You snooze you lose man." Dean claimed, eating the cookie before Cas could think to take it back.

"I'm not a horse." Cas sounded a little snippy and Dean attributed it to both the discomfort of being up and about again, and just general tiredness. Cas grabbed a cookie, twisting it apart like Dean had, trying the middle and just shrugging before eating the plain cookie and right then Dean saw it; a flicker of blue coming back to his relatively greyed eyes. 

"Please tell me you did not just decide you like the cookie part better." Dean joked as Cas looked up and shrugged. "Oh come on, Cas. The cookie?"

"What?" he ate the other half watching Dean roll his eyes and suddenly, he laughed, shaking his head and it threw Dean off entirely. He hadn't actually heard Cas laugh before, and seeing him laugh about the gross part of an Oreo was just... it was nice. 

"The cookie is the boring part, you're not supposed to like the cookie!" Dean exclaimed with a smile that matched the one on Cas' face. Something about eating a pack of cookies in the middle of a mostly empty store seemed to be the perfect pick me up for both of them, trading jokes and jabs with each new aisle they went down before finally heading to the checkout counters. 

It was only after they'd gotten situated back in the car that Dean hit the horn. "Shit!" he looked over when Cas jumped and went a little stiff. "I forgot cereal."

"I can get it." Cas was already unbuckling and pushing the door open. "I can get it." he turned to look at Dean when he felt Dean grab onto his coat pocket to keep him in the car. "It's cereal, I know what cereal is, Dean."

"Are you sure you wanna go in there?"

"We just went in there-- Dean. I'll be ok, I'll get the cereal and be out, I promise." Cas assured Dean again he’d be fine in the store. He’d get the cereal and be right out.

And Dean believed him. Making a few slow laps around the parking lot. Pulling over to the gas station right beside it and getting out to fill her up. The night air was nice, a little muggy, but better than what it had been. Relief when the first crack of thunder rolled through the silence, sitting in the car while it filled up and raindrops soaked everything else.

Cas grabbed the grocery bag, feeling the cool air hit his skin with the moving doors and then the chilly rain filled Kansas heat that stuck to his skin right after.

He spotted Dean’s car, heading through the lot when a guy came running after. “Hey, hey you forgot your change!” Cas turned, one hand on his pocket. Positive he’d taken his change. But the guy was fast, wrapping his arms around Cas and shoving him backwards against a car. Cas shut his eyes with a grimace at the way the bruises against his back pressed against the car door.

“Dean!” Cas’ voice was muffled with the heavy hand over his mouth, his eyes darting back and forth in search of the Impala- in search of something really. His feet splashing in the puddle they were standing in.

“Shh- shh shut up- shut up!” The whisper was harsh and quiet, forcing the car door open and shoving Cas backwards into it.

Cas felt the seat against his back, wriggling his head and screaming again. A mix of _stops, and no’s, and Dean!_ He slammed his knee up quick, hearing the pained groan before scrambling out the opposite side of the car. “Dean!” Almost a shriek on his lips. The guy coming after again, his eyes muddy black and a smile set on his face. “I spent all night hunting you down- you leave a trail of light" he started to laugh, "I'm gonna get a piece of-”

**–!–**

The smoke from the barrel of the gun still hung in the dark as Cas seemed to scream against the echo. Failing to calm down even when he realized it was Dean grabbing him by then.

“I’m– a–"

"What happened? What happened, breathe! Come on man, breathe, what happened?!”

“I’m a target! Everybody knows who I am– where I am. I’m a target!” He sounded hysterical all over again, still pulling away from Dean, trying to use his elbows to shove him back before Dean shook him hard.

“I’m not gonna hurt you!” Dean shouted over the rain. "I'm not gonna hurt you, Cas. I'm sorry man, I'm sorry." he pulled Cas into a hug when he felt him go slack, holding him tighter and a little more secure in the hug, feeling Cas shiver in the cold against his own shivering, hearing the shaky breaths and knowing it was more than raindrops against his shoulder again. He'd never get used to it. He'd never get used to Cas seeming so broken. All he knew Cas as was an angel. One that came in hot-- not that way-- shit. He knew Cas as the angel- the angel who yanked him out of hell, who busted down doors, charged hell with a watergun- the guy who knew hand to hand combat just as much as strategic battle tactics. He knew Cas as the guy who'd burn human eyes away at the mere sight. He knew him as his friend who defied orders and rebelled against heaven for the sake of one human life. He didn't know Cas this way and it just felt different. "I'm sorry man, I should've gone with you man, I'm sorry."


	5. Seeing Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Charlie manage to get Crowley to the bunker, but the answers they're expecting are not the ones they get. Dean and Cas walk a fine line between anger and passivity after their failed trip to the grocery store.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to add another chapter this week, but I'm hoping it works. Thanks again so much for the interest in this story, I'm really happy to share it with you all. And again if anyone has any critiques or feedback for how I can improve or correct, please please please feel free to speak up. Thanks friends!

The ride home was pure silence. Heavy and uncomfortable and surprisingly angry. Dean gripped the wheel hard, his brows furrowed and his eyes on the road, driving a little fast and listening to Cas breathe. "You wanna slow it down over there, buddy?"

Cas was silent, breathing even angrier after that, enough to prompt Dean to pull over on the side of the road. "Dammit Cas! Slow it down, you're gonna hyperventilate! I asked you if you were sure you wanted to go in!"

"I told you I was fine!" God, even his words seethed with anger.

"I JUST SAVED YOUR ASS!" Dean seemed to explode back. "I knew I should've gone with you!"

"I'm not a baby! I don't need you to hold my hand!"

"Then why the fuck are you crying! huh, if you're not a baby why are you--"

"Fuck off!" Cas had the seatbelt off and was out the door before Dean could even stop him. Storming down the side of the road. Dean struggled with his own belt, yanking it over his head and swinging the door open before slamming it hard and taking off after Cas. 

"What the hell! Are you trying to get yourself killed? What the fuck is your problem!?" he ran to catch up with Cas, only growing angrier when Cas wouldn't stop walking. "You fucking idiot!" he grabbed Cas by the arm, gave a sharp yank backwards and practically threw Cas on the ground, hearing the soft groan through exhaled breath as Cas wrapped an arm around his stomach. Favoring his right side. Dean's mind thought back for a second quickly bringing up images of the bruising and scratches on that side. But his anger overpowered his guilt in that moment, kneeling down with one knee on Cas' chest, keeping him pinned to the gravel. "What do you think you're doing- you trying to get hurt again?!"

Cas stared up at him angrily, but his anger was slowly melting away. It was like he couldn't turn off the waterworks, his eyes brimming over with tears, dampening the sides of his hair. "Get off me." his words were broken, but they still held a bit of force. Anger at everything.

"Make me."

"I can't! I can't do anything! I can't stop you or them or anybody! I can't make you because I'm broken! I'm nothing but a weak human- I'm broken and I have no power and I have nothing--" He let out a sharp noise of pain when Dean practically peeled him off the ground and hugged him too tight. "I'm broken!" his voice cracked and he could hardly breathe with how he was sitting coupled with how Dean was holding him. 

"Look at me and Sam. Look at us, Cas. Look at Charlie, look at every human you've ever known. Cas you gave up an entire army for humans! You're one of us man, you're not broken! You're not. Come on, Cas, I need you to believe me man, I'm beggin' you." he hugged him even closer. "I'm beggin' you man, I'll defend you through anything man. But you gotta let me help you man, you've gotta let me help."

"What if I'm never ok?" Cas muffled against his arm.

"Then we'll find a new way for you to be."  
_____________________________________________________

"Ack!" Charlie made a noise while coughing, waving her hand around to clear the smoke before it thinned out and a familiar darkness settled in the corners of the room. "Smells like cheap cologne and lifetime movies." She remarked, stopping when the accent rang out.

"Moose. Thought you'd never call--uh." he squinted, raising a hand to wag his finger between the two of them. "Who's this?" he eyed Charlie with a bit of a smirk. "Let me guess, a feisty one you plucked off the roadside?" he stared at her, walking to the edge of the trap and glancing down at the line. 

"Sit down." Sam walked to the line and glared down at him. "Now."

"Testy, testy." Crowley held his hands up in peace, stepping back and taking a seat at the table. "Change of scenery, eh?" he looked around the place, taking in the books and open space, much different from the dungeon room he'd been shoved in times before.

"Why'd you do it?" Charlie cut straight to the point.

"Do what, _dear?_ " Crowley gave her a smile, adding a harsh tinge to the 'dear.'

"Your monsters-- you set them on Cas, you hurt him!" she seemed a little less put together in that moment. 

"I haven't seen your giraffe since he took Dea-- since he got rid of the watchdog spell." he glared immediately, a loud smack resounding through the empty space and a sort of growling ouch followed soon after. 'What the bloody hell was that for!?"

"You sent a group out after him! Dean found him in an alley! You sent demons to--" Crowley held a hand up to Charlie and turned to look up at Sam.

"What the hell is she going on about?"

Sam and Charlie exchanged a confused look before Sam furrowed his brows at him again. 

The conversation was quick, with Crowley putting the pieces together before Sam even finished explaining. And judging by his reaction it wasn't something Crowley wanted to happen either. "I'll tear them apart- I'll torture them with the worst torture they've ever been tortured with in the history of torture- I'll--" for a moment his eyes turned red and his balled his fists before relaxing them out again. "Where is he?"

"What? No, no no, no. You're not going anywhere near him." Charlie was quick to jump in again. But after a few minutes Sam convinced her that maybe Crowley talking to Cas could help shed a little light on what happened. 

Of course it would've been nice if Cas and Dean hadn't walked in at the worst possible moment. A complete meltdown all over again. Dean started yelling, Sam tried to calm him down, Cas disappeared completely and it took Charlie a good half hour to track him down, finding him hidden in a separate library with some book he'd found in Dean's room. Convincing him wasn't much easier, but eventually she managed to drag him back out to the main library.  
_______________________________________________________

Cas sat in the chair across the table with his eyes trained on Crowley. Convinced he could hear the rhythmic thud of his heart against the insides of his chest.

“I may be pure evil, but not even _I_ am that...– **detestable**." he watched Cas, tried to catch his eye, but couldn't seem to catch his interest-- the table seemed to hold that interest. _"Castiel?”_ Crowley noticed the way the former angel seemed to have spaced out. Calling his name again to grab his attention. Watching the way his shoulders jumped and his body stiffened at the calling. “Cas, I am truly sorry for what happened to you. I’m not asking you to believe me, but I want you to know I will find the filth that hurt you and I can assure you they will suffer for the rest of their puny existence.”

"I don’t need your pity." Cas' voice was apathetic at best, sighing out softly, brows furrowed and a frown on his lips.

"Good cause you don’t have it. But you do have my respect, and for some reason that escapes me, I won’t take that back." Crowley eyed him for a long time again, almost relieved when Cas finally looked up at him. "We may not be friends, but... unfortunately, I seem to be a bit... fond of you. I'll fix what happened."


	6. Pavement Scrapes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie and Sam start a search of their own, unconvinced Crowley will actually help. Dean doesn't know how to help and Cas resorts to sidewalk chalk as a means to understand what he's been through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I completely dropped the ball here, my apologies. My sister and nephew moved away and I lost a really good friend, plus got hired to animate a video so I've been a bit down in the dumps and slightly busy and didn't get a chance to update the story. I hope a midweek update is ok friends! Again, thanks so much for letting me share this story with you all and if you have any tips, hints, suggestions, and helpful ideas feel free to leave feedback and let me know where I can improve. You're all awesome!

Sam had half dragged Charlie out of the room when Cas had sat down at the table. Mainly because she'd refused to stop standing in the doorway staring Crowley down; like the second he even blinked wrong at Cas she'd be at his throat. 

"I don't trust him, Samdini."

"Samdini?" Sam raised an eyebrow and glanced over at her, watching her eyes widen with temporary excitement. 

"It's a mix, Sam and Houdini, you know?" her lackluster response prompted Sam to get up from the table in the kitchen, setting a pack of gummy bears from the pantry beside her and taking a seat on the edge of the table. 

"Look, I don't trust him either, but he's the best chance we've got. I mean you said it yourself, Charlie. If he _is_ trying to pull one over our heads, we'll catch him. But I'm not gonna let Cas go down the path he's on now. I know that path it's full of-- guilt and self hate and just... it's a fucked up way to live especially when you're not the one in the wrong." he sighed out, losing his train of thought for the most part. "We're gonna find who they are, Charlie, just give it time." he tried to reassure her again, spacing out a little when she just mumbled a 'yeah sure' and started in on the bag of candy in front of her.  
____________________________________

"Cas?" Dean wandered down the hall towards his room, pushing the door open and leaning in. "Cas?" he called out again, giving the room a once over before walking in. "You in here man?" he noticed the faded out blue backpack by the desk, walking over and grabbing it. "Cas?" his voice quieter that time, focused more on looking through the bag than seeing if Cas was in the room he _obviously_ wasn't in. 

He pulled the scratched up notebook out and sat back on the bed. The blankets still twisted up and unmade, the pillow on the ground and another one half under the side of the bed. The letters to Cas' name scribbled out across the inside cover like a kid learning to write, but he flipped further into the pages anyway. Just scanning it really, but every once in a while a few sentences would jump off the page. _Green eyes that catch the sun like golden sparks off the--_

"Dean?" --Shit. He closed the journal shoving it back into the backpack and practically launching the bag over at the desk and getting off the bed, heading towards the still open door. Coming face to face with Cas seconds later. "I'm..." Cas narrowed his eyes slightly. "I'm going outside."

"I'll go with." Dean quickly added, catching the way his response made Cas' brows furrow in semi confusion yet relief. "I could use a little fresh air myself. Crowley always stinks the good air up anyway." he tried to play it cool- as if he hadn't just been reading about the way Cas described every part of him, right down to the way his chest rose and fell when he slept. "You need a coat? I uh, I have an extra one, I mean cause it rained remember and sometimes the rain can uh, well you know, I mean it's rain and--"

"I don't need a jacket, Dean." Cas watched Dean for a moment, his head tilting to the side just a little, trying to find what brought out the sudden burst of rambling. "But thank you for the, concern, it's admirable."

Yep, that was a little more like Cas. That almost stoic way of speaking, like if the words weren't proper and precise he'd cease to exist or some shit. 

"Right, yeah man, I mean, you know me. Always concerned."

"Dean what's going on?" Cas asked, that bluntness throwing him off just a bit too much. 

"What?" an unsure laugh leaving his lips as he made a face, caught between shrugging and shaking his head. "I'm good, I'm peachy, come on let's grab some fresh air before the sun comes back up." his own sense of time was slightly off, but he figured until they started settling back into a routine, nights and days were going to be a little switched up. Cas just seemed to squint at him even more, but eventually dropped it, breathing out quietly and turning back around to head for the staircase leading outside. "Cas, wait." Dean called, taking the steps in twos to catch him. "Cas you know I-- you understand a lot of things I don't." he felt like he was tiptoeing around a topic that didn't even need it. He could see it in the way Cas stared at him for a second before nodding. "Right, and uh, well you know, I mean, and uh-- well sometimes it just takes people different amounts of time to understand, you know?"

"Maybe you should stay inside, Dean." Cas seemed to shut him down just like that. Too much was going on and Dean wasn't making any sense at all. And he just, couldn't figure it out. He gave Dean another look before tugging the heavy door open and heading outside again.

Just in time to watch the sunrise it seemed.

Dean blew out a breath, still inside on the steps, running a hand down his face. There had to be a way he could help without making things worse, without confusing Cas or pissing the guy off. There had to be something that could help at least a little bit and he was gonna figure it out.

He kept tabs on Cas for the next half hour, making sure he didn't wander from the bunker or go further than the garden at that. When it neared an hour he finally found it, pulling the box out and heading out to the garden where he last saw Cas. Breathing out relief when he was still sitting there, cross-legged in the dirt watching what he obviously could tell were bees.

His boots sent up little clouds of dust with each heavy step, a soft groan as he set the box down beside Cas and took a seat in the dirt, looking over at Cas until Cas looked over him. "What's it with you and bees?" he asked, a slight smile on his lips, trying to lighten the mood in that moment.

"They're orderly. They follow one another and they look out for each other even though they're busy. They-- follow one leader, and that leader never leads them into danger..." Cas didn't even hesitate. "And they look nice... fluffy." a slight rush of red crossed over his cheeks for a second as he looked back at the flowers. "I like them."

"Fluffy huh?" Dean laughed. "Fluffy's pretty good." he listened to the way Cas breathed setting the box down and flipping one of the box flaps back and looking in. "I thought maybe you could use a distraction." he watched Cas lean over and look in. "Just some sidewalk chalk."

"For a distraction, duh."

"No I mean. Why? How is chalk supposed to be distracting?"

"I don't know, try it out and let me know."

Cas blew out a breath and grabbed a stick, drawing a line against the pavement and watching the orange jump out at him before looking over at Dean again. "...it's nice." he looked away when Dean gave a smile that wasn't far from announcing an _'I told you so'_ but he kept drawing with it. Thin lines, dark lines, sideways and zigzag until the ground beside him was just one giant tangle of orange chalk scribbles. "... Why'd this happen?"

Dean perked up from his own pink chalk design when Cas spoke. Feeling like the air was sucked from his lungs, completely lost for an answer. "Cas..." he watched Cas get up and throw the piece at the ground. Hearing the soft clink as it snapped in two against the pavement, getting up before Cas decided to throw anything else. "I don't have a good answer man. I don't know. I don't know why it happened, I wish I did, Cas, but I don't."

"Everyone's saying that..." Cas looked up at the sky, trying to breathe in and out at a slow, calm pace. "Everyone keeps saying- this isn't my fault, and that it's not the universes way of righting all the wrong I did- even Crowley's trying to help, out of some twisted redemption arc?" he looked over at Dean again. Watched him try to form a sentence to interject. "Nobody knows why this happened, but nobody even asked me why I thought it happened." his voice was tense and his eyes were practically staring a hole through Dean.

"Because we already know what you think the reason is Cas. Look, this whole hunter's life might be formed around lying and getting what we want a lot. But not right now. This isn't your fault and I don't know how to make you believe that man, but it wasn't your fault. And I know that doesn't change what happened, it doesn't take away any of the, pain, but it wasn't your fault." Dean reached a hand out, setting it on Cas' shoulder.

Cas huffed out a heavy sigh and let his shoulders relax against the touch. "It feels like my fault." he leaned over, grabbing another piece of chalk and turned it in his hands. A thin layer of green coating his fingers. "It feels like it's my fault." He repeated, looking at the chalk, getting ready to throw it before Dean grabbed it. 

"Dude. Don't break the stuff." he gave Cas a look before handing it back to him. "Look. I'm not into all those chick flick moments, but uh." he rubbed his hand along the back of his neck. "But I love you man."


	7. Opportunity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for my absence, I've been overwhelmed, but alas, the excuse train has left and I gotta get back on track with life.

Cas stood in silence for a long time after Dean said it before crouching down and grabbing another stick of chalk. Purple that time. Rubbing the dusty color over his palms. "OK." he replied with a sigh. 

"Ok?" Dean knelt down and stared at him. 

"I get it. You love me because I'm useful and I... can help. I don't know." 

"No man. I..." he took a slow breath in. "I mean like family. I care about you Cas, I love you like I love, Sam-- you're my brother man. I wanna help, but you're not letting me." Dan tried to explain, finding the look on Cas' face only growing more confused by the second. "You remember when Sam was doing the trials and he thought--"

"But I'm not Sam." Cas interrupted without a second thought. 

"Yeah, I know, Cas. You're you and that's enough man. I care about you just like I care about Sam. I don't want you out here on your own trying to make everything ok because you think somehow that's gonna make up for all the ways you think you've let me down. We're family, Cas. I've told you before man, I need you." he set a hand on Cas' shoulder, prepared for him to shy away and finding himself relieved when Cas didn't even flinch. 

Cas sat down in the dirt after that. Tracing the purple chalk in his hand and letting Dean keep his hand on his shoulder. "But I'm **broken**." he breathed out a shaky breath. "And you said nobody cares..."

"I was fuckin' mad, Cas. People say rude shit when they're pissed."

"But you meant it."

"I didn't mean it, Cas. I know I can't take it back, but I'm sorry man, I didn't mean it. I do care, you're not broken and I do care. And even if you were broken-- I'd still care. Sam and me, we'd still be right here next to you."

"I don't like being human." Cas answered softly, scattered splashes of water hitting the dirt around his legs. Brushing his hand over his face quicker than necessary. "I don't like it." he felt Dean give his shoulder a slight squeeze. "I'm not supposed to be human." that time the words cracked at the end and more tears fell than he wanted. "I can't--"

"You gotta stop." Dean interrupted him that time. "You gotta stop saying you can't." he continued. "It's not gonna help you man, Sam and I we're gonna find a way to get you your grace back, and Charlie, she's a lot like you and she wants to help man--"

"They let Crowley in!" Cas exclaimed angrily. "after everything they just let him in there like he-" he just stopped at that, let the anger fade into irritation and exhaustion. "...My side hurts." he answered softly after that, letting the tension in his shoulders relax. He lifted his arm up slightly so Dean could see the mark getting darker by the second. 

"Why didn't you say anything?" Dean asked, a hint of annoyance in his words. "Is this from the store?" he asked, his brows furrowing in a glare when Cas shook his head no. "Then what's it from?"

"You." Cas stated bluntly. Dean's whole demeanor shifted after that and he moved back from Cas slightly. "It was an accident... you didn't know."

"I hurt you man, you're supposed to tell me this shit-"

"It was an accident!" Cas exclaimed. "You didn't mean to!" Cas could see the tears forming in Dean's eyes, reaching out and setting a hand on Dean's knee. "You didn't do it on purpose."

"But I still did it." Dean pushed Cas' hand away at first, but suddenly held onto it instead, covering his face for a moment. "Dammit, Cas, I'm sorry."


	8. Smoke and Dirt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas begin to come to terms with what happened and try to establish a way to talk without fighting or closing the other person off. They get a little moooshy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in a weird mindset these days, man alive, I'm sorry guys. Thanks for being so patient with me.

Cas kept his hand against his side while Dean blew out a few inhales and glanced anywhere but at him. "Dean...?" Cas' voice was that familiar steadiness- nearly stoic in nature as if he hadn't just been crying seconds before. "It was an accident. You didn't do it on purpose." he tried to assure Dean, watching as he shook his head instead. 

"Was this when you got out of the car?" he asked, anger tinting his words a bit, his brows creasing in deeper anger when Cas nodded silently. He recalled how Cas had favored his right side when tackled on the side of the road. Guilt seeping back in. With another deep breath Dean leaned back and sat down on the cement, keeping his hand pressed against his forehead before carding his fingers through his hair. "This isn't working..."

Cas knelt down slowly and cautiously, sitting on his knees and observing Dean. "What's not working, Dean?" he asked, slipping into what seemed to be a natural state of his; stowing his own troubles in favor of helping the boys with theirs. 

Dean dropped his hand, leaning back on his hands, leaving his arms extended behind himself to support his weight as he stared at Cas, shaking his head again and halfway shrugging. "This-- Cas. You and I talking like this, it's not working. I got pissed cause I was scared man. I didn't want you hurting yourself and you weren't stopping so I stopped you and only hurt you more. We gotta find a way to talk without arguing man- it's worse than me an' Sam."

"We do talk." Cas replied, slightly defensive, moving his legs to sit on the ground with his knees propped up a bit. "What-- I don't know what you want me to do, Dean. I don't understand."

"I want you to tell me what happened, Cas." Dean's tone was serious, but somehow still genuine and caring. Watching how gravity seemed to weigh down on Cas' shoulders all over again. Cas opened his mouth and then shut it again, looking down at the orange chalk lines and tracing them before opening and closing his mouth again. "What happened man?"

"You don't really wanna know." Cas answered, crossing his legs and leaning forward on one elbow, propping his head up in his left hand and dragging his fingertips of his other hand along the chalk lines. "It's not necessary."

Dean grabbed his fingers and stopped them from their track. "Cas. What happened?" he waited for Cas to look up at him before nodding his head for him to talk. "Look man, I'm gonna be mad either way."

"I don't want you to be mad."

"It's a little late for that, Cas. I was mad the second I found you in that alley." he watched Cas drop his shoulders again, pressing his lips forward and then licking his lips and sighing out. "Not at you, man. I'm not mad at you, Cas."

Cas shifted a little, tugged his fingers free from Dean's grip and grabbed another piece of chalk to fidget with. His eyes shifted back and forth- uncomfortable with the entire topic. "I went for a walk." he started, pressing the blue powder against the pavement and scraping it. "I like the night time. I like the quiet and I like how the air feels-- I like that the rain hangs in the air and makes the dirt damp and the sidewalks dark." he explained, going even slower than before. "I was watching my shadow-- how the streetlights made it stretch across the whole street. I heard footsteps and I got distracted. I started thinking about their story." he looked up at Dean. "Everyone in the whole world has a life-- they all have a story, they're all going to do something, they're all going through things and thinking about their own schedules or needs or wants-- its... fascinating." he could hear a soft exhale from Dean. A familiar sound Dean generally made when smiling out his interest. "But I'm not an angel. I didn't know they weren't human-- I couldn't feel their... true-forms." Cas grew noticeably quieter by then. 

"One of them grabbed me from behind so I couldn't move my arms, someone hit me in the face and I lost my balance. I was on the ground and I tried to get up, but the demon who had my arms was stronger than I could handle. It was like breathing in house-fire-- like swallowing coal...." he trailed off. "I couldn't catch my breath and I couldn't get my arms free. And they just... laughed, right in my face." he went back to staring at the ground. 

Dean felt wrong making Cas tell him after a while, but he couldn't force himself to tell Cas to stop either. And for some reason, Cas' shoulders didn't seem to hang so low the longer he spoke. 

"They knew who I was from the moment I started walking down the alleyway. They said they would come for you and Sam, they'd peel you apart like string cheese and torture you past the point of return-- they were going to kill you-- they said they'd... use me as their leverage. A bargaining chip and if I didn't shut up... they were gonna blow my brains out and deliver me to the bunker in a box. I thought twice about my life... and yours was more important." Dean grabbed Cas' knee at the words. 

"What?"

"If they didn't didn't hurt me they were going to kill you. And I wouldn't be able to stop them-"

"Cas, we're hunters. I do this for a living-- we stopped the apocalypse man!" Dean's voice raised. "We would've handled it, Cas."

"I was going to die, Dean!" Cas interrupted. "There would be no handling it. Don't you get it? There wasn't any choice..." he trailed off, his brows furrowed and his chest rising faster and angrier by then. 

"Cas." Dean couldn't wrap his mind around it. "They almost did kill you. I still found you shoved in a box in an alley. They raped you and left you to die, Cas. What if I hadn't found you, man!? What if you had died out there? Huh!" he grabbed Cas' shoulders and held them. "Why didn't you pick yourself man--"

"You don't understand loving someone goes both ways, do you?" Cas stared him in the eyes, watching Dean stare right back.

"You're not supposed to put yourself in danger, Cas. That's not love--"

"You died for Sam. You went to hell for him." Cas argued, the fierce look of blue lighting up his eyes.

"That-- it's different, Cas I was--"

"Desperate. You loved him too much to let him go." Cas interrupted again. "You traded places with him. You didn't want him alone- you didn't want him hurt. You didn't want to lose him." Cas stated. "I didn't want to lose you again." 

Dean blinked a few times and tried to get what Cas was telling him, but couldn't. "I don't get it, Cas. Why? Why me?"

Cas shrugged. "You don't always get to decide who you love, Dean."


	9. Just Another Motel Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A whole messy explosion of words and feelings occur when Dean and Cas sift through their emotions and how confusing they can be. Cas comes to terms with the fact that he's hurt beyond repair and Dean comes to terms with the fact that he can't be the hero of every story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am an emotional trainwreck right now and writers block is so hard to break through! And I am so grateful that you all have been so patient with me. Thank you all so much.

Dean's eyes went wide at the words Cas said, leaning back a little and then scrunching his brows together. Filtering out anything that could be taken two ways he grabbed another piece of chalk himself and started to draw lines in the asphalt. "Nah, I guess you can't." he replied with a slightly dryer tone than before. Trying to figure out what Cas meant by people not being able to choose who they love. Trying to figure out if Cas even knew what he said. 

Cas on the other hand took note of the silence and found a sense of relief in it; sitting back down cross legged and picking up his orange chalk to write his name on the ground over Dean's purple chalk lines with a small smile. "Wanna play tic tac toe?" he asked, shifting the conversation after sensing Dean's confusion in the current conversation. "I'll let you go first." he looked over at Dean with a small squint. 

"You know I didn't kick you out because I wanted to, right?" Dean answered instead. "I didn't know anyone would hurt you, Cas. I didn't know anything would come after you like that."

"I know." Cas replied with a deep inhale. "I don't blame you for what happened."

"Why not?!" Dean burst a little, a flicker of red washing over his cheeks, his jaw clenched and his knuckles turning light around the chalk stick. Cas just shrugged and draw out a table for the game instead. "I should've let you stay here, Cas. I should've told you what was going on when you were here. Instead I kicked you out and-- I mean look at you man."

"What about the way I look?" Cas asked, furrowing his brows and eyeing Dean with a pointed seriousness.

"You got marks all over, you've got cuts and bruises and scrapes. It's like you got into a fight with the ground and you lost--"

"Well that's kinda what happens when--"

"I should've been there." Dean cut him off again, hoping to end the conversation and try to salvage it like Cas had earlier. A little silence passed though and Dean could feel the frustration building again. 

"But you weren't." Cas finally spoke up, marking an X in the upper right corner. "That's not your fault." he continued though. "I don't know what'll happen to me. I don't know where to go that I won't be found-- I don't really know a lot right now. I..." he shrugged, drawing a deep line in the ground with his chalk. "I'm... upset? I don't know. I'm more mad than sad, it sounds... childish, but- I don't really care." he shrugged again. Force of habit forming. "I don't think I'm the same... I don't feel the same anymore. It reminds me of when I took on Sam's pain. I never would've had to take on his pain if I hadn't tried to be God and taken away his wall and nearly killed him. But he never would've needed a wall if I'd not lost his soul when trying to save him from the cage-- And Sam never would've been in the cage had I--"

"Is that what you meant when you asked Sam if he believed in Karma?" Dean asked, not letting Cas finish. "Because that's bullshit. This didn't happen because of the things you did wrong. It happened because--"

"Because we don't know, Dean." Cas stared at his tic tac toe table and sighed out softly. "I get that there's no reason, but there should be." he hummed a soft melody and set the chalk down again. "Even if the reason is that they're demons and doing evil is in their nature. I just want to know why. That's all, I want to know why- but you're not the reason why and if you apologize anymore I'm going to punch you in the dick." it was a slightly darker humor than Dean was used to hearing and it caught him off guard much to Cas' amusement. "I just want to know why, that's all. I don't like that Sam and Charlie are working with Crowley. I've been in their spot and it just-- doesn't work. No matter how much it seems like it will, it won't." Cas watched Dean draw an O in the center of the table and then another in the bottom right corner. 

"I know Cas. I know you get it, but right now Crowley is the only one who can help us." Dean replied with a sigh.

"Help us with what, Dean? What exactly is he going to help with. What exactly do you want him to say- "Ah yes, I found the demons who raped your poor excuse of an angel" and then laugh?--"

"Cas." Dean grabbed the chalk from Cas and watched Cas pull his hands close to himself. "I'm going to fix this. I will." Dean insisted, even with the sinking pit in his stomach telling him he couldn't fix what happened this time.


	10. Lost Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas confronts his fear. Dean confronts his anger. Sam and Charlie team with Crowley to find out what went wrong in their plan.

Dean paced the library for a good half hour, scouring books and pouring through lore in an attempt to at least find a way to follow a demons "trail." Find a way to get the bastards for what they did to Cas when Charlie knocked softly against the doorway near the stairs. "Yeah?" he glanced across the room, dog-earing the page of the book he had with him. 

"I just thought I'd check on you and Cas... you know... see if you guys wanted any lunch?" she gave him a soft smile that faltered into a worried stare when Dean furrowed his brows and cocked his head to the side slightly. "I'm sorry, did I-- interrupt something."

"No, I uh." he set the book down and headed towards her. "Cas was supposed to be helping you, he said he was going to see if you wanted to--" he didn't finish his sentence, moving past her quickly to get to Cas' room and make sure he wasn't mid-breakdown again. Charlie followed after, keeping up with Dean until he turned the corner for the room and stopped in his tracks at the open door. Charlie slammed into his back with a grunt before moving herself to the side and leaning to look in. Dean turned, glanced down at her and then brushed past her towards Sam's room. "Sam!" he called out. "Sam you got Cas?" he called again, seeing Sam come from the kitchen with a questioned look on his features, his own brows knit together and a cup of water in one hand. "Cas watchin' tv in your room?"

"Uh-- no." he breathed in with a shrug, shaking his head no. "I think he was gonna come help you read, try and distract himself." he replied, feeling the tension that built instantly in the room. "Check the bathroom, I'll look in the alarm room." Sam replied, quickly shifting gears. The three of them split up in different directions all in search for Cas and his uncanny ability to hide.  
_______________________________________

Cas sat on his knees, the cold air stung against his bare skin making him shiver with every inhale as his eyes focused on his hands still gripped tightly over his knees and the red scrapes over his knuckles, bloody and bruised all over again. The concrete was cracked and rough and he could hear the breathing from someone nearby, but he didn't move, didn't blink and tried not to breathe.

A hand rested on his shoulder before the man knelt down beside him, grabbing him by the jaw and turning Cas' head to face him. "Let's go over this again. If you listen to me, I won't hurt you. If you do what I say, I won't hurt you. If you fight back- I hurt you." he kept his hand tight against Cas' jaw, trying to bruise the skin. "It could be worse, Cas. I could kill you and then you'd have no where to go would you? Heaven wouldn't take you back and there's nobody here to bring you back, is there?" he smiled at the way he felt Cas let his shoulders fall, chipping away expertly at whatever stamina Cas had left to fight back with. Cas tried to move his head out from his hold, but all the demon did was mock scold him with a shake of his finger. “What’d I _just_ tell you about doing that?” He smiled slowly at Cas, feeling the rush of Cas breathing and finding excitement from it. “I don’t put up with that shit- you know what that means.”

The demon standing by the doorway walked over, grabbing Cas’ arms at his elbows, pulling his arms behind his back and binding them with the thick material that had already worn deep cuts into his wrists twice before. The demon still holding Cas by the jaw just stared at Cas, clicking his tongue and surpressing laughter. “You know you’re so much more fun as a human. I can’t wait for the Winchesters to find your body.” He laughed again before nodding to the other demon to get Cas on his feet.

Cas tried to keep holding his breath and stay calm each time he was shoved underwater, but one of them noticed and when he was yanked up from the water again the one in red slammed his fist right against Cas' chest- knocking the air right out of him. Almost instantly he was shoved back under. His vision was like stars bursting and his lungs burned like someone set fire to his insides, he pulled at the restraints around his arms, not even feeling the tear of his skin around his wrists that time– too desperate for air, his body panicked and he sucked in water, feeling his whole body cave in on itself, thrashing beneath the cold water before going limp.

When he came to he was in a different room, laying on his side while the door came into focus in the dark room. His body ached and his head felt like a thousand pound cinder block was on top of him. When he tried to move his arms he felt someone grab him from behind again, pulling him to sit up before throwing a pail of liquid on him. It was a thick substance, like gel-- or oil, something that stung when it washed over the different cuts and marks on his skin. Footsteps came into focus next as the demon from before moved to stand in front of him, kneeling down at eye level and flipping a lighter around in his hands. "Let's try this again." the words weren't lighthearted anymore. The dark swirl of black lacing the mans eyes let Cas know this was going to be worse than the water.

____________________________________________

"You said you would help!"

"I am helping!" Crowley leaned forward on the table and stared the redhead down. "You think I don't have my _people_ out there getting answers!" his eyes stayed focused on Charlie, his lips pursed into a firm scowl as he pressed his fingertips against the scratched tabletop. "maybe instead of blaming your only source to finding him you check your warding spells. You're all human- full of mistakes in your attempts to-" he stopped himself for a moment as Sam slammed a book on the table. Looking over at him and then to Dean still standing by the doorway sharpening a blade, then back to Charlie who was still holding the gun out in front of her.

"Everybody shut up." Sam snapped at the two of them, flipping the book open to the page that was dogeared. "He's not far- if we follow this map there's still a chance he-" Sam paused, feeling Dean's eyes on him, but he continued on after a second. "If we follow the map we can get to Cas while he's still alive." Dean slammed his fist against the wall and stormed down the steps towards the bunker entrance stairs, grabbing his coat and pulling it over one shoulder. "Dean?" Sam called after him, "if you leave now you're risking his life- look I know you want to find him, we all do, but you can't do this on your own-."

"Right because entrusting Crowley to find him is the best plan, is that it?" he glared at Sam, his brows knit together in anger and panic. "Look I know you two are trying to help, but you-- you can't help Cas, I can."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Charlie appeared from behind Sam, offense written on her features, her eyes welling up in both hurt and anger. "Are you blaming us for Cas missing? Are you-"

"I'm not blaming anyone!" Dean shouted at her. "I'm trying to find Cas, I'm trying to bring him back alive- I'm trying to avoid a hunters funeral and while you two are having a heart to heart with shortstop over there, I'm actually doing something about it!" the tension just kept building in the room and Dean couldn't take it. He pulled his keys from his coat pocket. "I'm getting Cas back. Whether you two decide to pull your heads out of your ass or not." he made his way up the steps, the bunker door slamming hard behind him when he left.


	11. Fare Thee Well

The liquid on his skin was warm and it was starting to sting the longer it was on him, but he sat still just staring ahead at the demon kneeling in front of him. "I ask you a question, you answer it. i tell you to do something and you do it- understood?" he grabbed Cas by the face again, yanking him forward so they were just inches from each others faces. Cas stared him down, his eyes were narrowed and he kept his mouth shut, refusing to answer him. The demon flipped the metal lid off the flame of the lighter, holding the bright orange flame in from of Cas' right eye. "When I talk to you-- you answer me!" he shoved the flame closer to Cas, "the second this flame touches you- you're up in flames- you think anyones gonna know what you were when they find you?!" he glared angrily at Cas- who by then was already hyperventilating- "You talk to me when I ask you a question, do you understand!?" he shouted, watching Cas shake his head. "SAY IT!"

"--Yes--"

"Yes what!?"

"I- understand- I'll answer you--" Cas responded, his eyes wide and his breathing racing.

"That's right." the demon answered, flipping the lid back over the lighter and lowering his hand. "Do you want to leave here alive, Cas?" he asked, seeing the panic flicker in Cas' eyes. "All you gotta do is answer my questions. Just tell me how you're still alive and how Dean found you. You tell me that and I'll let you go."

"I don't know--" there was a sucking sound, like a hand pulling out of the mud and his eyes narrowed shut, lowering his head slightly to look down at his stomach to see the metal of a knife pulling back out of his skin. And then it was like mind-numbing pain, his hands began to shake and he tried to press his hands over the wide gash that seemed to bubble over with thick, red goo. His vision was blurring over and his head was spinning, quickly becoming light-headed as he tried to figure out what had just happened.

"Where are the Winchesters?" the demon asked, pressing the side of the blade against Cas' chest that time. He dragged it in a deep line beneath his chest when Cas shook his head no. "Always the hard way with you, isn't it?" he turned the knife so the point was against the left side of his torso and he slowly began to press it in. "Are they working with Crowley, is that it? Who are you protecting-- give me the answers and I'll let you go. It doesn't have to be this way." Cas just kept his eyes on his stomach, pressing his hands over his stomach that he swore was just opening more and more the harder he breathed. The demon let out a frustrated shout before slamming his fist against Cas' jaw, sending him back against the floor a bit, dropping the knife he stood up and stalked over to where Cas had stopped and leaned down, grabbing him by one and arm and pulling him to his feet; practically holding him up. "You're going to wish you were dead when I get through with you."  
________________________________________

Cas stared up at the ceiling in silence, the light from the moon that passed through the dingy window gave the room a tired blue tint. He could still feel the weight of the world on his shoulders, but it didn't compare to the feeling of invasive hands and harsh breath against his body. His skin against his neck was rough and cracked, burned in different places from the lighter set against the holy oil he'd been doused in earlier, black, ashy splotches against his fingers and hands from the burns just the same. His stomach felt like patchwork, with different colored thread lining his stomach and torso, keeping him together, but loose enough to know that each movement he made was going to hurt. Sleep was pointless and death seemed better than the war raging in his mind, but neither came. His mind kept going back to the alley from days earlier when Dean had found him. Cas still didn't know how, he didn't know much of anything in that moment, he just knew he wanted to go home. He wanted the world to slow down and come to a standstill. He wanted to- kill his mind and pretend like heaven still needed his help. He didn't want to be alone. The only hope he really had to hold onto then was that he'd made it that far and maybe somehow Dean was going to come swinging through the doors to take him back to the bunker again. 

Maybe they would talk. Maybe Cas could explain how he felt- or how he felt when Dean was there. Maybe they would go to the store and steal oreo's again or maybe they would just let the quiet settle in between them laying in the same bed with blankets that were scratchy and music that was too quiet to hear. He didn't know. He just wanted to go home. Somewhere in his thoughts he drifted off- a temporary standstill from the world he was still a part of.  
________________________________________

Sam followed after Dean with Charlie close behind. "You can't do this on your own, Dean! That's the whole point!" he slid to a stop across the gravel when Dean turned to face him. "Cas is our friend just as much as he's yours- Crowley can find him- you know he can!"

"He was supposed to be safe here, Sam! You think with the king of hell on his trail he's really that safe?"

"Are you fucking serious? You know he's safe here, he wasn't even in the bunker when he was taken so why can't you just listen for once instead of trying to go and get yourself killed?" he grabbed onto the sleeve of Dean's coat and didn't let go. "We'll find him. We always do." he assured Dean. "We always do." he repeated. 

Dean glanced from Sam to Charlie and then back to Sam. "This was my responsibility, _Cas_ was my responsibility. I told him we'd figure this out, I told him I would fix this, Sam, and now he's gone." he dragged his hand over his eyes and down over his nose and mouth before clearing his throat and dropping both arms to his sides. "I kicked him out." he set his hands on his hips and shook his head, staring down at the ground and then up at Sam again. "This was my responsibility and I messed up."  
________________________________________

There was noise. That much he registered. Footsteps, somebody was running- more footsteps, more people running. It sounded like a really dumb argument gone wrong really quickly. Cas didn't bother to open his eyes though. No use working himself into another panic. There'd been noises all night and he'd finally found a way to lay that didn't hurt and even though sleep wouldn't stay with him long, he felt content laying there on the cold cement in the dark.

The door busted open though and it sent his body jolting upright, a wheezing hiss following from him as his he pressed his hands against his stomach and just dropped back to the floor again- shock took over in that instance and he was almost convinced that Sam was in the room stabbing someone. The flickering orange lights and smokey scent that flooded the room were out of place, but he couldn't bring himself to keep his eyes open for more than a few seconds at a time. 

"Cas?!" Cas didn't move when his name was called. With his luck it was a dream. He was ok with that. Any escape from the reality he'd accepted at that point was ok. "Cas!" he moved a little that time, but still didn't bother opening his eyes- 

Not until someones knees pumped against his arm and shoulder and a hand pressed into the tender burns around his neck, flinching at the pain and squinting his eyes open to a familiar face that looked sadder than usual. 

His dream was vivid.

That's what he was telling himself anyway. Someone was reaching in his pocket of the jeans he had on, trying to pull out the key to the metal cuffs still locked around Cas' wrists, but Cas didn't bother trying to aid them in their search, just laying there; halfway propped up and still flinching at the feeling of Dean's hands on his skin. "Cas where's the key- where's the key, wake up, come on." he felt Dean pat his cheek a little rougher than necessary. "Where's the key- did he put it in your pocket, Cas, come on man." Cas could hear the panic in Dean's voice and he could feel the salt of the tears that were falling from Dean's face against his shoulder, but he just couldn't bring himself to answer. Answering meant the dream would end and he didn't want the dream to end. It was only when he thought about how much everything hurt that he realized it couldn't be a dream and it had to be real. Dean had to be there, and Sam was really there making sure nothing else was coming into the room. 

"I got it, here-" Sam nudged Dean aside, finding the key in the pocket of the coat Cas had been wearing in the bunker. "I got the key, I have it." he had Dean sit Cas up even more so he could get to his hands, but the second Sam grabbed Cas' hands to steady them and unlock the metal cuffs Cas flinched, pulling his hands away as best as he could, a hollow cry of pain that both boys were familiar with. Sam gave Dean a nod to hold Cas still- find a way to comfort him into ignoring the pain so Sam could help. Sam felt the ashy, stickiness of Cas' hands and shifted his grip, trying not to hurt him even more, tuning out the sounds of discomfort Cas threw out each time he was moved or touched. 

Sam struggled for a moment to lift Cas off the floor, "I got him, just go. I'll follow-" he assured Dean again as they made their way out of the now clear warehouse. Sam sat in the back of the Impala with Cas still in his arms- mostly anyway.

Cas sprawled out over the backseat with his upper body against Sam, bundled up in a heavy sweatshirt that hardly helped ease the pain, drifting in and out of it, repeating a quiet "I don't know..." each time he'd come to. The hum of the impala's engine through the night convinced Cas to give into sleep after another burst of consciousness and before Dean could ask Cas anything Sam was moving the sweatshirt to examine the source of the burning smell. 

"We have to go Dean, he's not gonna make it if we don't." Sam let his fingers ghost over a smokey mark along Cas' collarbone. "We'll protect the room, we'll ward it. The hospitals the only place that's going to know what to do Dean."

"No." Dean replied, shutting him down and keeping on for the bunker an hour south.


	12. Hey Jude Refrain

"He's not going to make it Dean, you know he won't. We have to take him." Sam insisted as he continued to pace the bunker hallway before walking back into the room. Charlie was still working quietly in the room with Cas, her computer whirring softly with each new window she opened while Dean continued to bandage new cuts and clean out the openings that were worse than he was going to admit. "He's human, he's at risk for infection, we don't know if he's in shock- he could die in a matter of seconds and there'll be nothing we can do." Sam continued on, his eyes tired and his hands shaky with worry. 

Dean breathed out another steady breath as he poured more solution on the gauze and pressed it into the gash beneath Cas' ribcage; being cautious when Cas unconsciously reacted- his back arching upwards in pain at the burning from the liquid that kept pulling more dark purple and red color from his stomach. "Cas is a target, Sam. Each time he leaves this bunker it's like a light on a map is set off. I can't risk him anymore, Sam, I can't lose him anymore." Dean replied, working meticulously to stitch up the cut over his chest and make sure he didn't mess anything up in the process. "I've lost him every time I've needed him. I can't keep losing him." his voice shook gently with emotion, watching Cas struggling against the makeshift restraints he had on, so he wouldn't move or fall while Dean tackled the more severe injuries. 

"Dean's right, Sam." Charlie spoke quietly, her eyes focused on her screen. "As much as I want him to get help, we're risking something killing Cas if we leave here now." she flipped to another window and scrolled through the code for a while. "If he can make it through the next two nights, there's a better chance of him surviving this." she added on, just so Dean knew that there was still the complete possibility that they would lose him regardless...

Sam took a seat on the other side of Cas and grabbed the thick goop for his wrists and hands, grabbing his left arm at the elbow and examining the infection along his wrists from the metal that had worn through what seemed like too many layers of Cas' skin. "What if all we're doing now is hurting him worse, you guys have to think about this. Look I don't want to lose Cas anymore either, but this is-- it's too much. Cas is going to die if we don't get him the help he really needs." he warmed the cream in his hands before beginning to massage it into the burned marks on Cas' palms and fingers, watching Cas' face react to the discomfort, the way tears still beaded up along his eyelashes and his body still jerked in reaction. He thought about trimming Cas' hair just to get it out of the way so they could examine the other burn marks, but anytime Cas felt the pain he just-- didn't want to risk inflicting more.

"Just two days, Sammy." Dean replied, the defeat wearing on his voice. "Give me two days with him, if he gets worse, we'll go... I promise." he grabbed the burn cream from Sam and rubbed a bit into his own hands before carefully working it along the sides of Cas' neck, being careful not to be too hard, but firm enough that it was going to help ease the pain for a few more hours.Dean finished wrapping new gauze and light blue bandage around Cas' right hand and wrist while Sam finished his left arm and checked the cut on his stomach to make sure the bleeding was stopped before he finally got up to walk around. Sam and Charlie ended up in the library buried in more web searches and overly tense conversations with Crowley. 

It was a quarter till midnight when Dean went back to check on Cas though. Pushing the door open to hear the music he'd left on still playing quietly in the background like white noise. And that's when he saw Cas with his eyes open. "Cas?" he asked, the hesitation heavy in his tone. "You awake?" he watched Cas give an almost non-existent thumbs up, his own way of saying yes before blinking a few times and trying to look over at Dean. "Hey man." Dean breathed out somewhat in relief, heading over to the bedside to sit down beside him. "No- just let it be man." he replied, noticing Cas try to fidget with the tape around the thicker mesh plastered to his stomach. 

"..." Cas stared up at Dean in silence, but Dean swore he could hear the question through the look Cas was giving him. "You're really here. I got you out, I promise, Cas." he set a hand on Cas' forehead, feeling the warmth radiate off, knowing the fever wasn't anywhere close to breaking yet. "I'm sorry, Cas." he ran his hand through the mess of Cas' brown hair, figuring he found more comfort in it than Cas would in the moment. "I'm sorry." his eyes welled up as he leaned his head down, pressing his forehead to Cas'. No longer concerned with thoughts or what anyone else could do or say. He wanted-- insisted that he needed-- to be close to Cas. To just feel him next to him and know that Cas was really there too. The tears only really started to fall when he felt the soft blue fabric around Cas' hand against his arm. Finding himself overwhelmed that even through everything Cas had been through, Cas was still working to provide comfort for Dean in return through a simple brush of burned fingers and cut up knuckles. 

Dean turned himself slightly, pulling his legs up onto the bed and quickly pulling Cas up to lay against him when he laid back against the bed himself, one arm held around Cas and the other still running through the tangled, knotted mess of Cas' hair. "Gonna have to start calling you Sam if you let your hair get any longer." he quipped at the soft wheeze of Cas' breathing. He could tell Cas was asleep again when he stopped flinching at every single movement Dean made. Dean wished he was still awake though, wished he could tell Cas everything he wanted to and more. He just-- he missed Cas and he wanted to just... be there and talk. He wasn't really sure what he wanted exactly, but holding Cas while he slept was somewhere alone the right lines. Humming softly "hey Jude, don't make it bad, take a sad song and make it better-- remember to let her under your skin, then you begin to make it better, better, better, better---na na na nananana, hey jude...." until falling asleep himself.


	13. Sun Rise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a bit short and relatively light, I felt after a few heavy chapters a little less damage may be easy on the mind. Thanks for all the help and patience friends!

Cas woke up nearly three days later, halfway through Dean changing the bandage on his stomach.

The dark bruising circles underneath his eyes had almost healed but they were still slightly red from irritation and stress.

The incision from the knife had been cleaned numerous times by Sam throughout the nights and Dean would clean it in the late morning before rinsing lukewarm water against it and patting it dry to bandage it again. He felt Cas flinch, glancing at him and expecting to see closed eyes and a grimace, but when he saw Cas just watching him work he offered him a small smile instead.

“Mornin' Cas. Just cleanin' you up, go back to sleep man.”

“…real…?” His mouth was dry, his lips were cracked, and his voice sounded like an old rusted door with how much the one word he spoke squeaked. He tried to move his hands before noticing the soft meshy fabric around them, then he tried bending his fingers- stopping only when he heard Dean.

“Yeah, Cas. I’m real. We found you man... got you home, you’re safe I promise.” Cas passed out again after that. The warmth of his skin not so blistering anymore, giving Dean only slight relief that the fever would break soon and Cas would be able to stay awake for longer than twenty five seconds in a few days.

__________________________________________________________

"There now, steady- don't rush, don't rush." Charlie kept her hand out for him to use for balance if he wanted it, overly cautious about letting him walk around on his own. 

Five days had passed since getting Cas back the second time and everyone seemed a little more overly protective than ever before. "Careful, careful, use the wall if you need- you don't have to go so fast, slow down." Dean chimed in, much to the apparent dismay of Cas. He gave Dean half a glare before setting his hand against the wall. "careful, careful."

"Are you going to say that after every single step I take?" Cas asked, the frustration audible in his tone. 

"Cranky much?I just don't want you to hurt yourself alright?" Dean asked, holding his hands up in surrender at Cas' reaction. "You're doing good, alright, but we're still not out of the woods. I don't want you hurting yourself. So-- deal with it." he watched Cas breathe out slowly and take another burst of small steps, the blue bandaging around his feet sticking out from the fluffy black and yellow striped socks he had on. "Cool socks man, where'd you get them?" he asked with a small smile. 

"You gave them to me." Cas replied with a furrow of his brows, not catching that Dean was just making a joke. He did trip after that though, falling to the ground and landing with a hard thump on his hands and knees, quickly shifting to sit back on his knees and yank his hands up close to himself in obvious discomfort. Dean went to jump forward, but Sam stopped him with a gentle hand on his arm and a slight shake of his head. Cas sat there, comforting the soreness of landing on his bruised and burned hands for a moment longer before working to get back on his feet- grateful Dean hadn't rushed in trying to be the hero again. 

"Who's up for pancakes?" Sam piped up, watching Cas stand back up and still keeping a hand on Dean's shoulder to stop him from intercepting Cas' hard work. "cas? Want pancakes?" he asked as Cas shrugged with a glance.

"Can I eat them by myself this time?" he asked, the slightly sarcastic tone in his voice drawing out a smile from Sam who gave a small laugh before nodding a convincing yes. "Then yes, I want pancakes." Cas took a few more steps before stopping again and leaning up against the wall. "Can I take these off yet?" he asked with a slight furrow of his brows, raising his hands up and holding them out. Sam pursed his lips together, the crease between his brows deepening as he glanced at Charlie with a shrug.

"I don't know, Cas." Charlie glanced between the two brothers and then back to Cas. "Whatever happened to your hands wasn't good. They're--" she bit her lip and then made a face. "Your hands are really hurt right now and it'll be better if you just leave them on until your skin heals." she tried to explain without frustrating him, practically holding her breath as he eyed his hands, moving his fingers and then finally giving in. "Give them a few more days and we'll take the bandages off, scouts honor." she held up her promise to him.

"And Cas?" Dean spoke up quietly, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall himself. "... we-- We need to talk man." he saw the look on Cas' face, the apprehension and disinterest at the same time. "I know you don't want to, but we need to." he sighed in frustration when Cas gave a small shake of his head 'no.' "Cas. We're gonna talk, you can sit at the table all night if you want, but we're gonna talk about it man." he watched the way Cas' shoulders fell in quiet defeat. "Come on, pancake time." he tried to divert the conversation back to something more lighthearted, heading to the kitchen, letting Charlie help cas along the hallway to the table.

Cas sat at the table quietly with his hands in his lap, staring at the pancakes, but not really eating them yet. "Dean?" he asked when Sam and Charlie had settled in the nearby room to look over a few things they'd found, patterns to discuss and trails that hadn't gone cold yet. Dean looked up from a mouthful of cakes with an almost clueless look on his face. "...They're looking for you and Sam." he stated, watching the confusion turn to understanding on Dean's face. "They know about Charlie... and they know Sam and her are working with Crowley. They know everything, Dean... I'm sorry." he grabbed his fork, clinking it against the plate and sitting in silence again. "I didn't tell... just so you know. I didn't break." he assured Dean with a soft exhale.

"Cas- don't." Dean interrupted. "Don't pin this on yourself, man. Don't let yourself take the blame for this again, I mean it, Cas. I wouldn't give a shit even if you broke and spilled like a canary man. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Then how come every time you say that something even worse happens?" Cas kept his eyes on the plate, a warm flush covering his cheeks after that. "Maybe this is just... destiny. Maybe I'm supposed to be dead already and the universe is trying to fix it."


	14. Melancholy Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean takes a chance with his feelings and is pleasantly surprised to find Cas reciprocates them. They dance, they enjoy pancakes. There is a flicker of hope that is relit from a candle of life that seemed to be blown out by pain and despair. Dean and Cas are reminded that "we have nothing if not belief."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just have been reeling in shock today. My heart has been so heavy with grief from the previous days events. I am uncertain of my future and the future of my brothers and sisters like me. But I wrote this chapter with the intention of spreading love and kindness that's infectious, I wrote it with the intention of never giving up. I wrote it with the intention of keeping hope alive. I apologize if it feels out of character, but I needed to find a way to keep my hope alive, and positivity and reassurance that we all belong is all I could do this evening. Thank you for everything, friends. Thank you.

_"Then how come every time you say that something even worse happens?"_

It was almost like Dean's heart began to separate in that moment. He let the words Cas spoke sink in, almost positive he could hear something tear in his chest. Dean cleared his throat, glancing down at his plate and then back to Cas with a foggy look overtaking his eyes. "I don't know, Cas." his voice shook in that moment, whatever false exterior of bravery he'd been playing slowly crumbling. "I don't know why bad things happen to good people. I don't have a reason and I doubt the universe does either..." he brushed a hand over his eyes. "But I'm sorry, Cas. I'm sorry that these things happen to you and I'm sorry there's no "why" that I can give you." 

Cas sat with his wrapped up hands on the table, moving his fingertips to make his knuckles rise up when bent. "I want my grace back. I want to stop this." he stated softly, but the undertone of determination rang through his words. 

Dean inhaled and then blew out the breath in a heavy exhale, propping his elbows up in front of him and clasping his hands together in front of his mouth; a soft nod that he heard what Cas wanted. "Let's do it then." he dropped his hands, watching how Cas' shoulders rose just a bit. Like Dean was confirming that he could do it. "But if we can't, if you get hurt- you need to promise me something Cas." his stare was fixated on the healing red skin around Cas' neck and jaw. Cas stared back before giving in and nodding that he'd promise... "You need to promise me that you won't give up." Dean watched Cas breathe out that time. "Deal?" 

Cas moved his hands from the table to his legs, staring across the table at Dean again before shrugging and then nodding. "I haven't given up yet so, I guess I'll promise to stick to that." he picked up his fork again after that, poking at the pancakes and leaning forward against the table. "Thank you, Dean." he murmured with that familiar tone of precision. 

"We'll defeat them, Cas." Dean answered between a mouthful. "Your demons and all the nonbelievers--"

"I know that's a song, Dean. I know all your pop culture references now, remember?" Cas asked through squinted eyes, a tired smile lingering on his features.

Dean laughed to himself and shrugged, "Yeah, well it's still a good song." he grabbed another pancake, tossing it on Cas' plate and grabbing another for himself. "Cas?" he asked, pouring syrup on his stack again, waiting for Cas to look up, feeling a rush of anxiety when he did. "I uh... well, I mean- uh, well." he struggled for a moment, gathering up his momentary burst of courage and going for it. "Remember when I told you that I love you?" he watched Cas nod through a narrow eyed glance again. "I mean it." he continued. "I... we've been through a lot, you and me. We've had our share of fucked up things happen, but we've always made it out. Better for it all. And I like you, Cas. I mean more than hanging out after a hunt and drinkin' beer. I mean I really like you... do you-- does that make sense?" he still fumbled over his words, but he felt like it made enough sense that there wasn't any way Cas couldn't understand.

Cas was quiet, holding his pancake in his hand and letting Dean's words process as quickly as possible. "Hester told you I was lost the minute I laid a hand on you in hell. I don't think she understand- understood what love really was. I think... had she understood human emotion it would have riddled her senseless. But I was.... I think it's possible God made me different because of you." Cas tried to explain his own thoughts back. The soft smile that had formed on Cas' lips was almost a fond one, as if he was recalling their entire existence. "I-- am happy here with you. And I would rebel and do it all over again for you. I really would." he felt tongue tied just as much as Dean seemed to be.

He was quiet when Dean got up from his chair, watching him walk over and set his phone on the table, pressing a few buttons and listening while the music filled the quiet of the kitchen. Cas watched him silently when Dean walked back over to the table they'd been sitting at and offer a hand to him. "Dean-- I don't, this isn't a good idea-" Dean could feel Cas tense up when he stood from his chair, but he just kept a steady hand on the small of Cas' back, keeping their bodies close together, but not too close. Not close to where Cas would feel trapped,or stuck, or even scared. Just close enough to move and breathe and still leave if he wanted. "I'm not-- I can't dance." Cas mumbled in soft frustration as Dean began to sway quietly to the melody of the song around them, but Dean just gave him a soft smile, letting the words of the song speak for him instead, all the while keeping his hand lightly against the back of Cas' shirt- allowing him the freedom to walk away at any moment. But Cas didn't leave, something kept him in the gentle rhythm of Dean's movements.

_"I was so scared to face my fear. Nobody told me, that you'd be here-- and i swear you moved overseas, that's what you said-- when you left me-- you still look like a movie, you still sound like a song, my god this reminds me--of when we were young... let me photograph you in this light in case it is the last time that we might be exactly like we were before we realized, we were sad of getting old- it made us restless, it was just like a movie it was just like a song, when we were young..."_

Cas moved slowly, his steps were tender- trying not to move too much against the stitching on his chest and abdomen, his feet sliding in the fuzzy socks every few steps to Dean's. But he lifted his head a little- setting his chin on Dean's shoulder and closing his eyes; letting himself breathe in the familiar scent of gun oil embedded in the fabric of the dark green shirt Dean wore. Finding comfort at the feeling of Dean's calloused hand along his shoulder blades every few moments- the feeling of fear melting away by the reinforcement that he belonged there. He belonged there with Dean, whether he was an angel or not, he belonged there.


	15. Can't Take It Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for my delay again. I was so overwhelmed with all of November that I totally slacked here. But I'm going to be working on a consistent basis again, friends. thanks for being patient with me y'all. And also thank you for the feedback I really really appreciate you all so much!

"Ten bucks. Pay up, Winchester." Charlie elbowed Sam gently, feeling a laugh bubble up- silenced only by Sam pressing his hand over her mouth and tugging her back to the map table to keep working. 

"You act like me having to give you ten bucks is a bad thing." Sam scoffed at her as he pushed her towards her chair and took a seat in his own. 

"It's not a bad thing at all. I just want my money and the acknowledgement that I was, as always, right." she winked at the joke, settling down into her chair and flipping through different browsers on her computer. "I never took Dean for the Adele guy though, I'll admit that. He seems more like a Taylor Swift guy."

"What?" Sam made a face at Charlie, the crease between his brows deepening as he scoffed again. "No way, he's totally an Adele man, Taylor Swift is for when he's feeling petty or stuck up." he laughed, scanning the page of his book and scribbling something down. "So," he cleared his throat. "You find anything interesting yet?" he breathed out a long breath and rubbed at his eyes for a moment. 

"Not much. I hit a roadblock each time I enter details. I mean, I'm not gonna ask Cas to give me the details of what happened and asking him to recall that type of stuff, I don't know..." she leaned forward, folding her hands and pressing her mouth against them. "I don't know how to help without asking him to dig up all that bad stuff... I don't know." she shrugged. "I feel... like I should be able to help. I feel like I should be able to say something to help him and I can't. He brought me back from the dead and I can't even help him feel better. It all feels unfair and shitty." Charlie rambled softly as she leaned on her left elbow a little more and just titled her head to stare at her screen for a while. Sam gave her a sad smile, an attempt to assure her that she was helping. Even when she doubted herself. "What if Dean's right, what if taking this chance on Crowley leads to something worse?" 

Sam shifted forward in his seat and gave a quick nod. "Cas is gonna act like he has amnesia the longer we don't talk about what happened-- I mean, figurative amnesia. Every question we ask he's going to shrug and say he doesn't know or remember. And it's... it's ok, it's alright I think." he tried to work through it himself. "But when he's ready, when he wants to talk about it-- Crowley's gonna be the one who knows who Cas encountered. Without Crowley we're going to be going on an endless rabbit trail of names. Nobody's gonna say who it was. Nobody except Cas. Pushing him can only do so much." he knew it wasn't going to squash her fears or concerns, but it was all he had.   
____________________

Cas stood in the bathroom, staring cautiously at the water filling the tub, the bluish green tint to the bubbles that had been poured in and the steam that fogged over the mirror along the bottom. His shoulders rose and fell in a steady, rhythmic motion with each breath, his shirt and pants discarded on the floor near the far wall by the tub. "You in yet?" Dean called from the other side of the door. Cas took his time answering back. He stepped carefully over the tub edge, slowly easing himself down into the water before responding with a quiet "hmm" glancing over as Dean nudged the door open to come in. 

Instantly his eyes traced the outlines of scars and bruises on Cas' shoulders and back. But he blinked that focus away. "What?" Cas asked him, the concern clear in his eyes as Dean walked over and sat on the far side of the tub edge so he was facing Cas. "What's wrong?" the concern almost made Dean smile- he found it easy to find the good in Cas and it just... made him feel ok inside somehow. 

"Nah, nothin' man." Dean shook his head and leaned against the shower wall. "How you feelin?" 

"Human I guess." Cas answered, letting the water rise up to his shoulders when he leaned forward. "Do you think I'm broken-"

"Cas we've been over this man--"

"No, listen. Listen to me." Cas interrupted him back. "Do you think I'm broken in a way that can be fixed? Do you think that I came off the line broken- not right... but nobody sent me back to be fixed because that's what destiny is. You're just supposed to accept it and not change anything?" he rambled, keeping eye contact with Dean for a few moments each time. "Do you think I can be fixed and not broken anymore? Because... sometimes I feel like I can't be fixed." he let the end taper into quiet breathing.

"I think...." Dean was lost for words, grabbing the bottle of soap and tipping it upside down and then right side up a few times before handing it over so Cas could use it if he wanted. "I don't know man. I don't think you were destined to be broken." he struggled to find words he thought would help. "Besides, aren't you the guy who started the whole "we're gonna change destinies" rebellion?" he tried to bring it into a lighter note, a soft, uneasy laugh on his lips, sighing out softly when he saw the disappointment on Cas' face. "Look man, I don't think you're broken. I don't think you came off any line broken and I don't think you need to be fixed. I like you the way you are."

"But I've done-" Cas stopped when Dean held up a hand. 

"We've all done messed up, shitty stuff. We've messed up Cas, that doesn't mean I think you're broken. Do you understand that man? I need you to understand that." he swiped his hand through some of the bubbles, before shaking them off into the water again. "Look Cas, I know I haven't been alive for even an eighth of your existence, but I know you man. I do. And I know you're not a bad guy, I know you didn't go to heaven and actively work to kill other angels. I know what those fuckin leviathans did to you. I know you didn't have control, Cas." he could see Cas visibly cringe, but he continued anyway. "Cas, you're the only angel I know who can go into a garden and become best friends with a honeybee, you're not a bad person, Cas. You aren't bad, do you get that?"

"No." Cas answered with a heavy sigh. "If I'm not bad none of this would've happened."

"We don't know why it happened, Cas. It wasn't your fault. This didn't happen because of things you've done that were bad. If those were the rules then I'd be King of Hell right now and Crowley would be my foot-rest." Dean gave Cas a look. "...You need to clean out that cut man, come on." he handed the soft wash towel over to Cas and got back up. "I'll be in my room watchin' tv, you know where to find me." he got up and made his way to the door, stopping and turning to Cas again."Cas, I promise you, you aren't broken and this isn't your fault. I swear on my life- every single one I've been brought back for."


	16. Angeles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends, sorry this update has taken me so long. I went through a time of realizing who my real friends were- unfortunately that made for some really difficult times of working through let down and heartache. It's weird when you're "friends" with a human for more than two years and they can just decide to forget you once you've realized everything they've ever told you is a lie. It's weird knowing people can lie to you for years an never feel guilty for it, not even once. It's weird losing people because they just can't be honest- it hurts and it leads to all these feelings of inadequacy- there are days and nights and entire weeks where death seems better than living with a liar in your life. It's hard to explain and the worst part is she doesn't think she's wrong for it. But that's been the reason for my absence. I hope to get back to all this soon.

Cas stared at himself in the bathroom mirror for a few minutes. Setting warm fingers against his hips, traveling up along his stomach, tracing the navy lines of thread that seemingly held him together. He felt like broken patchwork, bruised and beat up- something nobody would proactively search out. Just something someone said they liked until something better came along- something else they could use up and throw away just like him. He pressed his fingers against the skin, wincing at the bright red that flushed beneath the surface. 

Sighing out he grabbed the washcloth Dean left, dipping it in the peroxide and then running it over the small, shallow scrapes and cuts, watching the bubbles that hardly formed anymore, the bacteria slowly cleaning itself out each time. He bit down on a different towel and grabbed a smaller cloth, rinsing it in warm water and then pressing it against the deep stitching on his stomach, his eyes squinting shut and his nose stinging with tears that flooded his eyes a few seconds later. In gentle strokes he wiped away the old mess and infection, working carefully to clean it completely before finally breathing out, tears choking his breaths as he rubbed antibacterial goo into his hands and then rubbed it over the cut, feeling the coolness of it take away the sting from just cleaning it, after that he plastered the gauze over it and made his way back to Dean's room, stepping in quietly and heading for the chair he usually sat it. 

"Hey, what are you doing?" Dean caught him by surprise, raising his head to glance over at him with a confused shrug. "The chair isn't gonna feel good, come on man, I told you we can share the bed." Dean offered a hopeful smile- small and almost missed if Cas didn't look quick enough. 

Cas made his way slowly, taking light steps over to Dean's bed and carefully sitting down beside him, finding his breath catching again when Dean looped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him to lay back against him. It was different, new, almost an overload, but... nice. Comforting in a way he hadn't been before. He let himself relax against Dean's body, finally finding a steady rhythm of breathing as the television played some sitcom Dean always seemed to love to poke fun at. "Dean," Cas shifted a little to try and look at Dean. "If I never got my grace back-"

"Ah, come on, Cas, don't talk like that. We'll get it back man, you know we will." Dean assured him before he caught Cas shake his head no. 

"I mean if I chose to not take it back. If I decided to stay human, would you... if I wasn't.." he trailed off and Dean knew it was a sign to keep pushing him to talk. So Dean nudged his elbow and gave a soft huff and Cas started again after it. "If I wasn't an angel anymore would you still like me?" he asked, and Dean didn't need to be a genius to know what was going on. 

"Cas, you could be a mermaid and I would still think you were the best guy I've ever known, weird little eye crinkles and everything." he gave a soft laugh, finding himself run a soft circle over the back of one of Cas' shoulders. "Cas, if you want to stay human, that's ok man. If it makes you happy, you should do it." he replied softly, listening to Cas breathe out his hesitation. "Nothing you do is going to convince me to throw you away, Cas. I need you man..."

"I love you too." Cas answered back quietly, watching the show, feeling the sudden skip in Dean's heartbeat, a small smile forming at the corners of his mouth, knowing Dean hadn't really been expecting Cas to say it back-- or at all.


	17. Sidewalk Cracks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel and Dean explore a new aspect to their relationship and what it means- or could mean, while still trying to work through the aftermath of perpetual bad happenings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am going to learn how to put myself back together, just like cas will learn to be himself again too.

Sam knocked softly on the door to Dean's room, hearing the tv, but not hearing either Dean or Cas talking anymore. "Yeah?" came a groggy response from Dean, glancing from the television over to Sam in the doorway. "What's up, Sam?" he asked, watching Sam fold his arms and lean against the doorframe. 

"You guys want dinner, Charlie went out and grabbed some stuff- thought Cas could probably use something healthy by now." he glanced at Cas who seemed more than content passed out on the bed, still leaned up against Dean's chest with half a blanket on the lower half of his legs. "You think he's gonna talk anytime soon?" he motioned towards him with his elbow and watched Dean sigh out. 

"Doubt it, but we could try." Dean replied softly, shifting to sit up a little- noting how Cas didn't even bother to flinch or move, finding that familiar swell in his chest again. Not pride, but maybe pride. He wasn't sure, but the fact that Cas felt safe enough, trusted him enough to sleep like that- just made him feel... good. He ran a hand through Cas' hair to move it off his face before looking back at Sam. He wasn't sure when the change had happened or become a part of normal, but the fact that Sam hadn't even made any smug remarks or asked what was going on just made it feel like that was how it'd always been. "What's for food anyway?" he sat up fully, pushing Cas to sit up with him, feeling Cas take a quiet inhale like he was waking his whole body up at once. 

"Pizza. It was the closest thing." Sam shrugged with a laugh, giving Cas a smile and catching the warm blush that covered part of Cas' face. "Welcome back." Sam joked towards him before yawning himself and shaking his hair out. "come on, food's gonna get cold."

Cas pulled himself up slowly, checking his stomach to make sure his shirt wasn't wet and the gauze was still clean- just a few dots of red on the gauze and nothing on the shirt sent a warm relief through his chest as he followed Dean out and over to the library. "Does anyone know what 'Adamas' means?" Charlie asked the second they walked in, watching Dean grab two pieces and immediately sit on the side of the table.

"Invincible." Cas stated, wandering to the other table and sitting across from Charlie, who not only had her brows crinkled, but a wide smile forming on her face. "What?" he asked, the confusion obvious on his face as he took a bite of his pizza. 

"Well shit." she laughed. "We should rename you that." she stated, watching Dean roll his eyes and Cas shrug before laughing through his food and shaking his head no. "Oh come on, think about it-- or don't, but it would be pretty badass to introduce you to everyone as _Adamas_. People would think you were a greek god or something."

"But I'm not a greek god." Cas replied, leaning his elbows on the table and opening one of the books to lists upon lists of words. "What are you looking for?" he looked back at her. 

"Well, I thought if I could find spells or words to conjure up help that we could figure out how to... help."

"Charlie." Cas looked at her with a familiar look, watching her nearly roll her eyes out of her sockets. "You do help. And just because your eyes roll that much doesn't mean they should." he quipped at her, eating more of his pizza while Dean grabbed a book and pulled it over to himself. Cas didn't eat though before he'd disappeared from the library with hardly a sound, Charlie watched him, her gaze observing his shoulders and how they hung low and how he seemed intent to stare at the floor. She'd ended up following after him, observing again how he took the stairs almost as slowly as he could before pressing his entire self against the door to push it open and disappear into the outside world. She had a sinking feeling she needed to get Sam for this one, but instead she carried that weight on her own shoulders, heading out the door after him a few moments later.

He was fast when he wanted to be, that much Charlie knew. She found him sitting on a downed tree trunk across the field in the trees with his face covered by his hands, leaning forward on his knees and an unsteady rhythm to his breathing. "Cas?" she called to him softly, not wanting to scare him or even anger him by catching him out there by himself. Until everything had been found- until people had been made to pay for what they'd done to Cas, Dean had taken it upon himself to enforce a bunker rule that nobody left without him knowing. No doubt they'd both get an earful from him in no time. "Cas, what are you doing out here?" she asked softly, climbing over brush and branches to sit with him. Out of habit- or maybe just instinct she took his hand in hers, rubbing her thumb over the healing scratches of his knuckles. A way to comfort when she wasn't sure what to say yet. She sat with him for a good few minutes before finally speaking again. "How come you came out here alone, what's wrong?"

Cas watched her thumb move over the red and black scrapes, shaking his head softly once and then shrugging. Charlie could already see the tears beading up along his lashes, but surprisingly none fell. "I'm not invincible." his voice cracked and he turned his head to stare off into the branches, catching his breath and stopping more tears from being able to build up. "It's been weeks-"

"It's been three weeks Cas, it's going to take time-"

"No-- that's-- it's not good enough. It's been three weeks. Three weeks, Charlie and I'm still.." he could feel anger mounting and he didn't want to displace it. He didn't want to hurt Charlie, he was angry, but his heart still cared. "I'm still broken. It's been three weeks and Crowley hasn't found anything, you and Sam haven't found anything-- and I'm, I'm grateful for you guys, I am, but... this isn't worth it. This isn't worth the time. Dean thinks every step I take is going to send me to the ground like shattered glass. He sits in the bathroom and stares-- everyone stares." he began to ramble, the tears falling heavy that time, soaking the collar of his shirt and turning the tip of his nose red with emotion. Almost like grief, but worse. "Everyone stares, but nobody can do anything. Nobody can fix it or go back in time and stop it. I look at myself in the mirror and I see nothing- I see button thread and duct tape. I see bruises that won't go away and scars that won't close up. I see the shell of something I was- something I'll never be again. I'm broken and nobody knows how to fix me-- nobody wants to fix me." his words were muddied by the way his voice shifted and cracked with each shaky inhale, exhale cry. Charlie could feel the warmth of her own tears on her cheeks, brushing them away with her free hand and just letting Cas talk. Realizing then that he'd never been given a moment to really outwardly process what had happened to him. Ever.

"You are going to have bad days, Cas. Bad days where you think you won't make it." her own voice different through her tears, but she kept going. "You're going to think it's impossible to make it another day, but stay, Cas. Please-- please don't give up. Please don't lock yourself away and believe that you're too broken-- if we-- can just hold on tight we can make it. I promise, Cas." she could feel the desperation in her own words. If anyone understood what being terrified of the future meant, it was Charlie. Losing Cas was a terrifying thought to her though, the thought of Sam and Dean without Cas terrified her. And she never really understood why until then. She never understood until then why the boys always muttered that broken down phrase... "family don't end with blood."

Cas, for some reason, couldn't stop crying. It was like he'd been holding this dam against his chest for weeks and suddenly it'd just broken and no matter how much he told himself inwardly to calm down- he couldn't. And the only redeeming factor of that was that Charlie didn't tell him to stop. She didn't tell him to hurry up and get over it. She didn't rush him. She just sat there and cried beside him. Until both their heads ached and the hollow chill of the air around them made everything feel like they were stuck in a nostalgic past that was remembered better that it really was. The light of the roadside streetlights illuminating up the spaces between the branches around them. Giving a warm glow to their cold feet and icy tears. The quiet of the night eating away at the rough ebb and flow of a feeling that nothing would ever be ok again. Eating away at it until it was nothing but a dull whisper lost in the blowing wind around them.

Dean's footsteps came after that, with Sam's right behind, crunching over leaves and snapping twigs, two more to join in and offer a way back home- both literally and figuratively.


End file.
